I want to be back out in the mission field...some days my heart yearns so deeply to be walking along dirt roads visiting houses, treating the sick, and living a simple life, that it hurts. I know that I have to be patient and that I have to be faithful to the mission field that God has called me to here...and Now....but it's still hard. I still dream of moving to Africa, of working with the poorest of the poor, of living a life of anonymity with great love and great service. I know it's a romantic notion, an ideal that I will probably never live up to...but I miss being in the third world. You'd never guess that to look at me...but I do. I miss giving of myself, I miss being reminded that there is more to life that just what is in front of me....I miss being real and I miss passion. I must be patient, allow God to work in my heart and give me the skills that will be useful, but I pray that when the time comes He will call me to all ends of the earth to serve with compassion, skill, and love. I wonder sometimes if I'm not still being called to religious life...that life appeals to me so dearly- to spend the whole day focusing on Jesus- loving Him in the poor, serving Him in the poor, and still getting daily mass and holy hour. I dream some days of being a religious sister and serving as a physician in the darkest, poorest parts of the world. I dream of being a martyr of love and self, even to the point of death itself. I know, I know this is foolish and overly romanticized but I just want to love Jesus with all that I have and to give all that I am to Him. I want to live a life that is big and that points everyone to the Lord and His love for all of humankind. I want to be a person that is so full of compassion and charity that people think of God!
I want so many things...but for right now I have to rejoice in this mission field...in the ways I can serve Jesus TODAY...HERE...in Columbus, Ohio and not in Africa. Lord, help me to love you as no soul has ever loved you and Lord, do with me as you will... I am yours...even to the point of martyrdom!
