Lent

And so it begins...the holy and dirty time of lent. Holy because hopefully during this season we will draw closer to the Lord. Dirty because it is in realizing what grave sinners and facing our humanity that we are able to draw closer to the Lord. I am realizing my humanity in my doubts and sorrows, and lack of trust in the Lord.

I started Lent with great plans, and continue to try and fulfill my lenten promises...but have realized more and more...my greatest gift to offer is my suffering. It is not suffering as many people know it, not physical suffering like cancer or paralysis. But a spiritual and emotional suffering that some days feels so great. It is the suffering of lonliness, of uncertainty, of drowning. Again, I realize why it is that so many doctors wind up workaholics. There will be no simple life for me...it's impossible. The things that I desire are not in His plan for me right now...so I suffer in expectant anticipation...and trust...and offer it up.

I struggle to trust in Him, to trust His will and plan for my life...but I know I must. If there is one thing I am learning from the blessed mother it is that...complete abandon and trust in the Lord. He knows what He is doing and I must continue even when the waves and the wind are so high that I feel like I am going to drown. So my scripture lately has been from matthew.

"But when he saw how strong the wind was he became frightened; and beginning to sink he cried out 'LORD, SAVE ME!' Immediately, Jesus stretched out his hand and caught him and said to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" - Matthew 13:30-31

I am Peter (arent' we all). I do fine until I start looking at the mounds of Kaplan material, the physics, all the things I have to do, and I realize that there just aren't enough hours in the day; and I get frightened by how strong the wind is...and I cry out to be saved...and like Peter, the Lord chastizes me..."oh you of little faith...why did you doubt?" In this time of preparation I challenge myself to not doubt but to trust. I ask the Lord for the grace of trust, and accepting Mercy and Love wherever He chooses to give it.

So this lent, I will offer up all those moments of feeling along...all the moments when I realize that it will be years until I have a real life again...years until I have time for friends or a family. I offer it up...and rejoice at the same time. Because I'm alone I am able to do the will of God more fully...I'm able to be the student and God willing the doctor that He wants me to be. I am able to go to daily mass or adoration at 3am because I don't have a family to worry about. There are blessings in all things....So my goal for lent is to offer up the burdens ("take up my cross daily") and to rejoice in the blessings (however muddled and abstract they may be.