Well it's hard to believe that in less than a week I will be done with my post-bac program. Today is Wednesday, and on Friday the movers come to store my stuff, and I'm packing what can fit in my little car for the next few weeks until I'm back in Baton Rouge. Monday is my orgo lab final and I'm incredibly unprepared for it. I'm realizing just how much work I have to do, and yet still not doing it. In two weeks I will again be a resident of Louisiana, with a real paying job and real responsibilities. Meanwhile, I'm continuing to work on my secondary applications for medical school and praying for grace and wisdom in this process.
Needless to say, with all these changes I've been prompted to reflect a bit. Last Friday I was getting ready for work and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror...I couldn't help but think "wow...how things have changed in a year. What a far cry from a missionary I am now." I think it's a number of things but I know that I have changed. I've found not only my outward apperance but also my soul and my demeanor.
While I Honduras I worked hard on talking less and listening more. On being aware of how I was percieved by other people and becoming less bossy and demanding. Here in the states I've returned to the bossy, center of attention, rude person that I was before. And I can't tell you how much it saddens me. I want so desperately to be holy, to be humble, and to be gentle. Yet, I still fail to be quiet. I see myself succumbing to stress, and anxiety and lashing out at others. Failing to be a witness of Christ's love daily in my thoughts, words, and actions. I have also found myself change in apperance. I can rationalize some of it by saying, well I'm going to be a doctor and I have to look presentable. To an extent it's true, but it still surprises me when I look in the mirror and see someone else staring back at me. The worst part is that I fear I've lost my joy, and my ability to be a friend. I've been so focused on myself and what I needed to do this year that I wonder if I can actually have real friendships and conversations again. I don't know if I can...and that scares me. It scares me that I want to spend most of my time alone now and not talking to people because I just don't feel like it. It's such a hard thing to explain...the lonliness and the detachment.
I don't mean to imply that this year has been all bad. I still get a rush every time I walk into the hospital. I'm still fascinated and enthralled with the science of medicine and there is still a certain amount of pride when I realize that I'm going to be a doctor. And now that my MCAT is back and my secondary applications are coming in it's starting to be more and more real...I will be a doctor. That excites me..and it scares me all at the same time.
I don't really know the point of all this...I guess just to reflect on how much I've changed. It seems like my life in Honduras was a different lifetime and a different person. I still yearn to be back there...and yet I wonder if I can ever go back or if I was ever really there. I doubt that anyone there would recognize me anymore...so drastically have I changed. And maybe I haven't changed much externally...but I can't even explain how different and foreign I feel internally. I feel like I have aged many years in the last 15 months and yet at the same time I fear how fast life is moving. And worse yet, I fear that I'm not living life but only watching it. It goes by so fast...
So I'll return to Louisiana to find myself again and spend the year working. First I'm going to Fredericksburg and Virginia Beach and Richmond to say my good-bye's. Then back to Louisiana to be with my family and start my job. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.
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