Encouragement

So we have a massive test coming up in a week. It's over 90 bacteria, 90 diseases, and 90 different antibiotics to treat them all. We have to know epidemiology, symptoms, treatments, etc. Basically it's a crap load of information...and I'm scared. I'm scared and anxious...and I'm scared that my anxiety will cripple me like it did for the last test. (On my last test I changed 6 right answers.) At our "review" session yesterday my heart was racing and my chest was tightening...and I'm petrified that this will be like my practice MCAT all over again. So I'm praying right now for grace. For the grace to be at peace and to have no anxiety. Again I feel that this is my strongest witness to my faith, the ability to be calm and at peace in the middle of all of this.

Then there's Pier Giorgio. My wonderful sister Heather sent me a CD on him for Valentines day. I listened to it on my way to visit a friend yesterday and I sobbed and had to stop it half way through. He is everything I strive to be and yet fail to be. He managed to live in the world and have friends who weren't Catholic and still be authentic to who he was and who God was calling him to be without alienating anyone. I haven't learned how to do that yet. I want to!! I want to call others to holiness not by nagging them or acting pious but merely by being who God created me to be. But I'm afraid I missed the boat here. I've been so overtly Catholic that I think people might not want to be around me. I don't know how to balance going out with people and having fun with being a saint (or a striving saint at least). I'm greatly saddened that I cannot find this balance and that I cannot figure out how to be a witness of holiness. That's what I want more than anything! To give myself completely to Christ and to be wholly his! That when I die people would say that I made them want to love God by my love and passion for Him

I have failed...and miserably. I'm overbearing and falsely pious and a wretched, wretched sinner. But I have to keep trying. I can't give up. so this lent I ask Bl. Pier Giorgio to help me live in this world without being OF this world. To enflame my faith and grant peace to my heart. To help me increase in charity and love for all those around me. That I may continue to go to daily mass and pray even though I'm overwhelmed and stressed. To help me to radiate peace and charity at all times...especially when I have nothing left to give and can only rely on the one who gives all things.

So now I ask for your prayers...all 2 of you who read this blog. That next Friday (and all of this lent) you would please pray for me. That God, the God of peace and love, would grant me freedom from my anxiety. That any success and glory may be completely for HIM. That I may learn how to be a witness of Christ merely through my love for Him; not seeking attention or praise for my faithfulness but acting out of ardent love for He who stays with us in the Eucharist. That others may be drawn closer to God by His love for them reaching through me...that I may be a pencil in His hand...a mere instrument to be used by Him for His will and purpose.

Bl. Padre Pio ....pray for us!

St. Gianna...pray for us!

St. Rita...pray for us!

St. Raphael ....pray for us!

Venerable John Paul II...pray for us!

Bl. Mother Teresa...pray for us!

all you holy men and women....pray for us!

"God is faithful, says Holy Scripture, and He will not allow you to be tried beyond your strength...whatever the trial, He will see you through it safely, and so enable you to endure...you are like a piece of pottery, shaped by instruction, fired by tribulation. When you are put into the oven, therefore, keep your thoughts on the time when you will be taken out again, for God is faithful, and He will guard both your going in and your coming out.¨

-St. Augustine

Br. Lawrence of the Resurrection

"The first means to acquire the Presence of God is great purity of life. The second is great fidelity to the practice of this presence and to the fostering of this awareness of God within, which must always be performed gently, humbly, and lovingly, without giving in to disturbance or anxiety. We must take special care that this inner awareness, no matter how brief it may be, precedes our activities, that it accompanies them from time to time, and that we complete all of them in the same way. Since much time and effort are required to acquire this practice, WE MUST NOT GET DISCOURAGED WHEN WE FAIL, for the habit is only formed with effort, yet once it is formed we will find contentment in everything. It is only right that the heart, the first to beat with life and the part that controls the rest of the body, should be the first and the last to love and adore God, whether by beginning or by completing our spiritual and physical activities, and generally, in all life's' exercises. It would be appropriate for beginners to formulate a few words interiorly, such as: "My God, I am completely yours," or "God of love, I love you with all my heart," or "Lord, fashion me according to your heart," or any other words love spontaneously produces. But they must take care that their minds do not wander or return to creatures. The mind must be kept fixed on God alone, so that seeing itself so moved and led by the will, it will be obliged to remain with God. This practice of the presence of God, somewhat difficult in the beginning, secretly accomplishes marvelous effects in the soul, draws abundant graces from the Lord, and when practiced faithfully, imperceptibly leads it to this simple awareness, to this loving view of God present everywhere, which is the holiest, the surest, the easiest, and the most efficacious form of prayer."
- Br. Lawrence of the Resurrection


I take hope from this. I have been feeling so confused lately. I blame part of it on the wretched weather we have here in Ohio. It's not hard to get depressed when you never see the sun. But more than that, I'm sad because I keep trying and striving for holiness and I keep failing.

Two things have happened in the last few days to discourage me, and one thing that surpasses all of those to encourage me.

First the discouragement:

1) while out with some friends on Friday night a friend of mine (who is not a believer) after drinking, told me that people thing I'm a gossip and that they are scared to tell me things b/c they're afraid I will judge them.
This saddens me beyond belief, and I have wracked my brains to try and evaluate if I have been gossiping (one of my greatest sins of the past) and I don't think I have been. I was also saddened that people feel that they can't approach me b/c I'm too religious. I know I came on strong at first but I don't want to deny who I am. I prayed that God would show me what to do. I pray that He will teach me to be a beacon of love in this world, that although they may think I'm too religious, when they need the truth and are ready to seek the truth they will come to me.

2) talking with a professor of mine (who IS a believer) she informed me that she was talking with a classmate of mine and encouraged her to spend time with me (since we are both "non traditional" students) and that classmate informed her something to the extent of "Oh, no. I can't. She's always trying to convert me to be Catholic or something..."

this also made me sad...I've only had a few conversations with this person, and admittedly all of them have been pretty intense but she started most of them. So I got home and took it to Jesus, and He soothed my soul. So what if people think I'm trying to convert them, I know that most of that is just how she perceives what I say and not necessarily WHAT I say. I will not apologize for who I am or for what I believe.

The encouragement:
I was in adoration on Saturday and Jesus spoke to my heart. He told me it's okay if I feel like a failure. That he fell three times on the way to crucifixion so that we would know that he understands what it's like to fail and to fall and to feel like a complete failure. That what matters is that we get back up again and keep trying. I had the most wonderful time praying the sorrowful mysteries and I again felt the Lord loving me....encouraging me to continue to love Him and especially to love Him for all those who don't love Him.

So as we prepare for lent, I'm getting back up off the ground again. Recognizing my wretched weakness and pride. Fearing that I am disappointing the one I love more than life itself. I pray that this lent I can continue to draw closer to Him and to love Him with all that I have. I know that God alone is enough and that if I have Him all will be well. Please pray for me as I do for all of you.