So we have a massive test coming up in a week. It's over 90 bacteria, 90 diseases, and 90 different antibiotics to treat them all. We have to know epidemiology, symptoms, treatments, etc. Basically it's a crap load of information...and I'm scared. I'm scared and anxious...and I'm scared that my anxiety will cripple me like it did for the last test. (On my last test I changed 6 right answers.) At our "review" session yesterday my heart was racing and my chest was tightening...and I'm petrified that this will be like my practice MCAT all over again. So I'm praying right now for grace. For the grace to be at peace and to have no anxiety. Again I feel that this is my strongest witness to my faith, the ability to be calm and at peace in the middle of all of this.
Then there's Pier Giorgio. My wonderful sister Heather sent me a CD on him for Valentines day. I listened to it on my way to visit a friend yesterday and I sobbed and had to stop it half way through. He is everything I strive to be and yet fail to be. He managed to live in the world and have friends who weren't Catholic and still be authentic to who he was and who God was calling him to be without alienating anyone. I haven't learned how to do that yet. I want to!! I want to call others to holiness not by nagging them or acting pious but merely by being who God created me to be. But I'm afraid I missed the boat here. I've been so overtly Catholic that I think people might not want to be around me. I don't know how to balance going out with people and having fun with being a saint (or a striving saint at least). I'm greatly saddened that I cannot find this balance and that I cannot figure out how to be a witness of holiness. That's what I want more than anything! To give myself completely to Christ and to be wholly his! That when I die people would say that I made them want to love God by my love and passion for Him
I have failed...and miserably. I'm overbearing and falsely pious and a wretched, wretched sinner. But I have to keep trying. I can't give up. so this lent I ask Bl. Pier Giorgio to help me live in this world without being OF this world. To enflame my faith and grant peace to my heart. To help me increase in charity and love for all those around me. That I may continue to go to daily mass and pray even though I'm overwhelmed and stressed. To help me to radiate peace and charity at all times...especially when I have nothing left to give and can only rely on the one who gives all things.
So now I ask for your prayers...all 2 of you who read this blog. That next Friday (and all of this lent) you would please pray for me. That God, the God of peace and love, would grant me freedom from my anxiety. That any success and glory may be completely for HIM. That I may learn how to be a witness of Christ merely through my love for Him; not seeking attention or praise for my faithfulness but acting out of ardent love for He who stays with us in the Eucharist. That others may be drawn closer to God by His love for them reaching through me...that I may be a pencil in His hand...a mere instrument to be used by Him for His will and purpose.
Bl. Padre Pio ....pray for us!
St. Gianna...pray for us!
St. Rita...pray for us!
St. Raphael ....pray for us!
Venerable John Paul II...pray for us!
Bl. Mother Teresa...pray for us!
all you holy men and women....pray for us!
"God is faithful, says Holy Scripture, and He will not allow you to be tried beyond your strength...whatever the trial, He will see you through it safely, and so enable you to endure...you are like a piece of pottery, shaped by instruction, fired by tribulation. When you are put into the oven, therefore, keep your thoughts on the time when you will be taken out again, for God is faithful, and He will guard both your going in and your coming out.¨
-St. Augustine
2 comments:
Well, I'm one. Don't put yourself down my dearest friend. There is no such thing as being TOO catholic. If there is no sacrifice in what you're doing, there is no reward afterwards. It might seem difficult right now, but later, you will understand. Try being too catholic amongst catholics! Our dear Saint John Bosco was catalogued as clinically crazy by many of his priest brothers for wanting to help the poorest, and troublemaker youth. I'm sure there is at least ONE person in your surroundings that is learning from you...always remember: "...may I do the work, and yours be the Glory, oh my Lord." Trust me, you have touched and inspired my life with your devotion and faith...if that is being too catholic, then I want to be like you.
Love you! Hope to see you soon!
Me.
I'm one, too! praying for you sister. Love you. Animo! Rebecca S
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