Gratitude

So I'm getting a procedure done tomorrow to check out my esophagus...nothing really to worry about but I'll still be mostly out of it while they do it. In typical worry wart fashion I wanted to go to confession before this procedure, after all it's been almost 2 months since the last time I went (EEEK!!!). It's amazing how the grime of sin builds up over time...I haven't felt this need for confession in a while, and although I have no mortal sin on my soul, I could feel the dirt and weight of the hundreds (probably thousands) of venial sins built up over the last 2 months.

My penance for confession was to spend 3 minutes in front of the crucifix thanking the Lord. During my time in front of Christ, kneeling at the communion rail I was overwhelmed with gratitude.

I realized that (God forbid) should I die tomorrow I have no real regrets in my life.

I have been SO blessed in my life!! I have been given so much love, and friendship and fellowship.

I have traveled around the world, done almost everything I have ever wanted to do, and been blessed with a strong relationship with my Lord. Should I die, I know where I am going (most likely purgatory but I could hope for higher right). I know that there is an eternity waiting for me and when we think about life, our whole existence here on earth, even if it is more than 100 years, is still nothing but a blink of an eye in the realm of eternity. But my blink of an eye here has been full of blessings. I have the most wonderful parents who have done nothing but love me and support me. They are truly my best friends and I can tell them everything, I can't imagine my life without them.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to receive a wonderful education, first at BC, and now in medical school. I have traveled the world, gone to almost everywhere I have ever wanted to go, seen the beauty of other countries, and walked through Rome, most importantly I have shared those journeys with those I love most. What comes to mind is the pilgrimage that my parents, and I made with my best friend Etel almost 3 years ago. We took a whirlwind tour around Italy, including Rome, Pietriclina, Monte Cassino, Assisi, Venice, Lanciano, and my favorite...Loreto. Loreto is where the holy house where Jesus was raised is (yes I know he was born and raised in Nazareth...see this website for the explanation http://www.sacred-destinati

ons.com/italy/loreto-holy-house). Regardless of your beliefs about angels moving the house (see the website to understand what I'm talking about) there was a great peace there for

me... a great feeling of holiness.

Aside from my world travels, I have been blessed to live in Honduras for 2 years....to live in a wonderful community of believers and to meet the most holy and inspiring people I have

ever known. My whole experience in Honduras is forever written on my heart.

I will never forget my abuelas, especially dona paulita and dona

margharita. My girls, Candida, Jenny, Keilin, Rixie, Dulce, Josie, Erika, Suyapa, Milagro, and all the others...they are forever written on my heart and in my prayers. These beautiful young women who strive for holiness, who burst with joy and inspire me with their desires for growth. God was good enough to show me during my time in Honduras, just how wretched I am...that I can accomplish nothing but that I could learn so much. I learned about humility, love, compassion, hospitality, and perseverance. I was blessed to be a part of that community, and the community of the Missioners and the CFR's. I know that I would be a completely different person today were it not for them.

Basically, when I look at my life, I see a woman who has been blessed beyond all understanding. Why was I born into a life of privilege to parents who loved me unconditionally? when I was so far from God, He brought me back and called me to the truth. He called me out of darkness and gave me the grace to walk into the light. The best part and most humbling part, is that He continues to do that...He continues to love me. Much like Peter I have denied Christ multiple times in my life, and He keeps forgiving me.

When I look at my life I see a woman who is blessed to have had so many life experiences, opportunities, and most importantly to have been LOVED beyond what I am worthy of.

I have lived my dreams..I have been a ballerina, actress, college student, missionary, and now a medical student.

I have been a daughter, sister, and a friend. Although I know there is much more God could (and hopefully will) use me for, I can also say that should I die tomorrow I have lived a wonderful life, full of adventure, joy, and love and that I could not ask for more. All that I have is a gift and I am grateful...so tonight I thank you Lord. I thank you for the parents, family, and friends that you have blessed me with. I thank you for the life experiences, and resources that you have given me. I thank you for bringing me to OSU and letting me go to medical school. I thank you for my wonderful (future) roommates, my parish and all of it's priests, and for all the people that you have brought into my life. Most importantly I thank you for loving me and saving me. I thank you for being present in the tabernacles of all the churches throughout the world and for waiting there, loving us even until the end of time.

Welcome to the Desert

"Remember, man, that you are dust and unto dust you shall return."

It's hard to believe it's that time again....but it is...it's lent. This year, just like many in the past, I find myself powerfully reminded of the need for conversion, fasting, and prayer. Lent is the time to repent- to struggle, to fast, pray, and see our sinfulness and return to God's loving arms begging mercy and forgiveness. The sacrifices of lent and the suffering encountered therein take different manifestations each year for me, but each one with it's own revelations and poignant lessons. Last year it was being in Host Defense for all of lent, missing holy Thursday mass because my exam was on Good Friday. It was about yearning for God, seeking His will, and recognizing that I'm just as sinful and wretched as everyone else. This year is no different...already full of suffering. Gracefilled? yes. An inspiration to pray and fast all the harder? YES!! Fun? Not so much.

Yesterday morning, my friend and I went to mass at 7am before our 8:30am class, received our ashes...big, dark crosses displayed across our foreheads. Seeing us walking into class made me think of revelation, when the followers of the beast all get the mark but only those who follow the Lord do not- not having the mark sets them apart for ridicule and shame. So it was with us. The 3 of us sitting in class of 160 people, our faith clearly displayed across our faces literally. No hiding our opinion or our thoughts on what we were about to discuss....which was controlling contraception. Little did we know that our whole class yesterday was going to be on birth control, abortion, and sterilization methods. in His mercy, my friend and I (and our other faithful Catholic friend) were all sitting right across the aisle from each other. We started with a case of a 16 year old girl who comes in for birth control- as we cared for her over the next 20 years of her life she went through 2 pregnancy scares, 1 abortion, 1 STD, 3 babies, 1 divorce, and 1 considered tubal ligation. All of that....I can't help but feel that this is a sad statement of what we've become as humans...that we kill our own children and rationalize our way out of it citing "convenience" and "free choice".

Well during this whole discussion I sat there with tears in my eyes and rosary in my hand. My friend, the spitfire that she is, actually had the guts to ask the professor if they spend as much time trying to save the baby as they do preparing the mother for the abortion. The tension and disdain in the room was tangible at that point. God forgive me, but I was fearful and timid. I know what I believe, but really didn't want to incur that wrath upon myself. I can rationalize it saying that I know they wouldn't have listened anyway, but still....I'm ashamed that I was almost embarassed, praying that she wouldn't draw too much attention to our cross lined selves sitting there like silent statues, nausea and tears. When I think about it now, it makes me think of the women who stood at the foot of the cross- silent, tearful, sad, and praying. And that's what I was= interceding that the holy spirit would give my friend wisdom in her words, and that God would work in the hearts of my classmates- me, a silent intercessor calling down the ranks of heaven to defend us and to defend what we believe.

I don't think anyone listened, at least not really listened. People label us as crazy fanatics, irrational and cruel. 'how can you make someone suffer like that?" they ask me....ironic since they're they ones killing someone. Even my physiology book says "Immediately after fertilization, the zygote or fertilized egg begins to divide and a new life begins." What is worse than just not agreeing with our viewpoint is the amount of anger and disdain that we encountered. I logged onto facebook that same day and a good friend of mine (who I spend a lot of time with - enough to know that we have VERY different perspectives on this subject) had posted something to the extent that if we don't agree with learning about abortion we should have gone to a Catholic medical school. This comment was obviously about my friend who was speaking up in class, but it still stung me. what's worse is that about 13 of my FRIENDS here at school liked the post and made additional comments. Of the ones I read, they were all negative towards the church and our beliefs about sex, masturbation, and the right to life. So much anger and ridicule. They must have known that I would see that- didn't they think about the fact that one of the people they are attacking and ridiculing is someone they're friends with??? I was tempted to send her an email, say SOMETHING about it- to try and speak up and put a face with the people they attacked- hoping it would turn their hearts or something. But God spoke to my heart and simply whispered "PRAY". So that's what I've been doing ....for the last 2 days I've been offering it up, fasting, and praying. Praying for my friends that seem to hate the most fundamental parts of who I and what I believe so much. Praying for an end to abortion. Praying for all the woundedness in the world. Praying that not a single soul would be lost to the fires of hell.

More than anything I'm just sad right now. I'm so sad at what we as a society have become, and the moral gymnastics that we flip to rationalize what we want. I know that the anger and all of that comes from deep inside - from hatred at seeing actions in the light. What we say is NOT what they want to hear, so they reject it whole heartedly and make us into fanatics and judgmental oppressors, when the reality is that we are the most free of everyone.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say, except- welcome to the desert.