Memories from Honduras

Found this old email from Honduras...it brought back memories and I thought I'd share!


Dear friends and family:
Praise and blessings in our Lord and Savior Jesús Christ! Sorry that it has been so long since I´ve written. I´ve been back in Honduras now for a little over a month. Had a slight snag in returning from Guatemala. It was hard to leave Guatemala especially since we left right after the terrible flooding and destruction of what is still a beautiful country. After leaving Guatemala we got stuck in Copan (right inside the Honduras boarder) for a day because of a campesinos strike. It feels like just yesterday that I arrived, and yet like I´ve lived here my whole life. So much has happened, every day something new happens. I´m in charge of sponsorship (meaning I spend a lot of time translating and typing information in the computer). I´m also running our middle school girls group Las Rosas de maria with Alyson (another volunteer). We´re also doing a Christmas pageant, I´m teaching music and dance classes. All in all it´s a wonderful experience. Doing home visits, evangelization, harder things than I would have thought.
The community here is beautiful. We are 7 women (4 Americans and 3 Hondurans) and three men. It’s odd and a bit humorous but it´s incredible how each person adds something to our house. My Spanish is much better and I can actually communicate now which is quite exciting.
As for me, well, God has been revealing many things to me in my heart lately. It´s hard to explain our life here…at times it is normal missionary life and yet there is no normal. It´s a daily struggle to be the empty vessel that God uses. How do you explain God´s love and will to a woman with three special needs children, who now might have cancer? And yet there is no need. It is she who continues to have faith- and we who struggle with the reality.
We´re do-ers and yet most of the time there´s nothing we can do. With so few resources we can´t help everyone but everyone needs help. The little girl with appendicitis needs food and bandages changed, there´s Claudia at our door with two black eyes. Daisy and her family need to get away from her abusive husband. But we have no place to put them, no resources, no safety to offer. When every day there´s a new emergency, another mother with a feverish baby standing at our front gate. It´s so easy to feel helpless.
We had a fiesta for all saints day, a rare evening of music, ice cream, and jump-roping (don´t ask). A night of lighthearted cheer that sends us soaring into the clouds only to be abruptly brought down to earth by desperate little voices and the clanging of the lock against our metal gate ¨CAROL!!¨ Little girls out past what should be their bedtime on streets not safe enough for us to walk at night. Their father is drunk. We call a relative who comes to get them. How can I be the same person after this?
I realize now again how lucky I am. I´m here “living in poverty” and yet still existing in my oasis of comfort and safety here in our house. There´s no angry drunk man coming home – the gates keep them out (usually). We know that tomorrow we will eat and that we will have a bed to sleep in the next night. Who am I to presume that I can help these people? I who have absolutely no understanding of their lives. I realize now that all I can do is pray and love- and I am mightily inadequate at that at times.
I have no concept of what it means to live like these people. Sick with strep the other day I was dropped off at San Benito (the clinic in our neighborhood) to see a doctor. I realize now that I selfishly expected to go right in (as we usually do). I was greatly surprised and distraught (much to my shame) when I realized Erika and I were going to wait in line. I spent some time wallowing in my own self pity about how sick and tired I was. Praise God it didn´t take me long to realize what a jerk I was. Who am I to presume I´m more important than the people in line with me? My job is to serve them not to think myself above the line. By the time I got my number my attitude had changed. We began talking with the other people (mostly mothers with young children) all charming and just as sick and miserable as I was. I on the other hand would be driven back to my nice warm bed 7 blocks away while they would walk home (sometimes for hours) and go back to work because they have no other option. How humbling to realize just how prideful I still am.
I came to Honduras thinking myself humble (I know what a joke). I now realize that I was still holding myself above others because I was going off to “save the world”. How wrong I was. God has been revealing to me that I am in fact nothing special other than what He does through me. Most of the time I feel hugely inadequate to do much of anything. Praise God!! I have prayed for humility and God is granting it to me. To live in a community of talented, holy, loving people is in fact one of the greatest challenges I´ve known as I am challenged daily to be more holy myself. To love more completely and freely in every circumstance and activity. Whether cleaning toilets, driving someone to town, or leading a girls group.
Behind the beauty of the mountains and the simplicity of life here how there is a fight going on for this country. The struggle between good and evil is at full force and I pray we can win. Some days I´m certain the battle has already been lost- and then I look at the youth we work with. Yes we feel helpless here but if we give up we´re taking away the opportunity they have to fight and to know someone is fighting with them. They are striving and fighting so hard to win- if we help just one our job is worth it- just one. But how do you let the other 99 go? I look at people like Erika who is a beautiful Honduran member of our community. At only 18 she has already fought the fight against her family, who are not Catholic, and who don´t approve of her work here. I can´t imagine fighting that battle.
And how do I- as someone who has only known love and boundless resources- offer anything to these people so beautiful and broken and yet closer to God than I could ever imagine. How beautiful they are- we who feel hopeless and they who continue to have faith- in us!
I realize now also how important our life of prayer is. It is so easy to get bogged down with all the things to be done- the people at the door, the programs to plan, and countless other activities- and yet it is prayer, mass, and time in front of the blessed sacrament that gives us hope.
“Ï have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble but take heart I have overcome the world.¨- 1 John
It is in admitting our weakness and inadequacy that we realize that we do nothing. We are not strong enough to help all these people- but Christ is and it is Him who works through us- if we let him.
As for me and my vocation, I am continuing to search for His holy and perfect will, and God willing will be going to visit the Franciscan Sisters of the Renewal in New York in the spring. Please pray for me as I do for all of you. These days I struggle to live the words of St. Paul of the Cross, ¨neither to suffer, nor to die, but only to turn perfectly to the will of God.¨ Yes life here is a challenge. Humbling and frustrating and rough- but beautiful and vale la pena (worthwhile) at the same time. What a challenge to daily try to die to yourself. I still walk back from mass at the friars every morning with the mountains greeting me and thank God that I am here- I am at home and I am at peace.

Death is Quiet

I'll never forget the first person I watched die. It was a 14 year old girl in PICU. I watched from outside the room as the doctors and nurses did CPR and then called it. I remember thinking even then how surreal it all seemed. There was no thunder, no noise or great sign that this body that once contained a soul did so no longer. It seemed like the earth should have stopped that it should have been a bigger deal...One moment this girl was alive and now she wasn't.

Well I thought that again this past week. One night around 11pm we got the call- "TRAUMA ALERT EMERGENCY ROOM...TRAUMA ALERT EMERGENCY ROOM". Turns out a guy had been shot multiple times- he came in on life flight and the Trauma docs' started to work on him right away. These are the moments we live for as physicians (and future physicians) something exciting and thrilling...something different from the normal diabetes, high blood pressure, and back pain.

I got in the room after they had already cracked this guys chest open. I stood there eagerly watching them suction the blood out of his chest cavity, relishing watching the lungs inflate and deflate. They pulled the heart out and found that the bullet had completely destroyed his Right atrium- beyond repair. The guy had been without a pulse for quite a while and there in the middle of all the chaos the surgeon called time of death. We were all still looking at the guy's heart, marveling at the cracked chest. There was something thrilling and exciting...it was like a present that we were all so excited to see. It wasn't like on ER where all of a sudden all things quiet down, there was still a flurry of activity and nothign really changed except that a few minutes before this guy was "alive" and now he was "dead".

I don't mean to say this patient and his family weren't treated with dignity...they were. But for quite a while it was easy to forget that he was someones son, brother, friend...and to just focus on how exciting it was to see inside his chest cavity. That's when it hit me...I had forgotten to pray for his soul. In the middle of all of this I wasn't praying for him or concerning myself with his family- and even afterwards I went back to work like nothing had happened- I concerned myself with getting closer so I could see the hole in his heart. That's what makes me so sad...this wasn't something that impacted me except I thought it was neat I got to see his chest.

Shouldn't I have cared that this man died? shouldn't I have prayed for him (which I did later)? shouldn't the earth have made some sign that where there once was life there was no more? It just scares me that death leaves no trace...it just happens quietly with no fanfare. It scares me that I forgot about him as a living person and only saw him as something neat I got to see on a Saturday night.

I continue to see the affirmation of my career in medicine (I mean how many people who don't go into medicine think a cracked chest is the neatest thing in the world)...I just pray I can continue to see patients as people- as Christ in distressing disguise and not as objects. But to some extent I think we have to distance ourselves from the patients- from their humanity. We have to preserve ourselves.

Lord, give me the grace to balance my academic interest in medicine and my recognition of you in every patient I encounter!!

CUTE PICTURES

John Paul giving me kisses!!

My God-daughter Gianna!!

Delight in the Lord

So I have been struggling a lot lately ( big surprise). 2 more of my friends are getting married this year, and almost all of my friends are in serious relationships. I know I've talked about this before. This (as joyful as it is for me) is still a struggle...I rejoice in their vocations and weep at the changes that all this will bring for my friendships.

Compound this with work and I have found myself becoming more "of the world". Found myself being more lax in my standards, and more materialistic. When I'm honest with myself...it's easier to be "just like everyone else"...to desire intimacy and love and when I'm not careful I still find myself looking for it in the wrong places. By the grace of God I'm too much HIS to seek love the way I used to...but still not enough HIS to not have that yearning.

SO...this is where prayer comes in. I was reading my Bible the other night and I came across this passage from Psalm 37

"Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong;
for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.
Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this."
-Psalm 37: 1-5

God really spoke to my heart with this...especially the part about DELIGHT YOURSELF IN THE LORD AND HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART!!

The more I read on this and feasted on it's beauty the more I realized that God is my delight. He is all that will fill me and like ST. Theresa said "God alone is enough". The more I delight in HIM and HIS will the more MY heart will be transformed to match with His will. It's not about God giving me whatever I want but more about how when I spend time with Him and delight in His will MY heart is transformed...and changed. God will gladly give me the desires of my heart when my hearts desires match HIS desires.

Really this is a win/win situation. The more I love God the more I am conformed to His will and the more joy I get out of every moment. So as I prayed on this, God reassured me...that if I continue to fix my eyes on HIM and continue to trust in Him and delight myself in HIS love then he will satisfy the desires of my heart for love and intimacy. I need to be patient and trusting and loving. I need to stop looking at the world in it's ease and stop being envious of all those co workers with boyfriends...and just enjoy the love of my God and savior and TRUST IN HIM!!

So today...(and every day) I vow to delight myself in the Lord...to trust in His will and conform myself to His plans because I know that is where real joy comes from.

I pray you my friends may also Delight yourselves in the Lord.

Long Time Coming

Well it's hard to believe that it's been so many months since I've written...life has continued to pass me by in a blur of work and business. God has been SO good as to get me into 6 medical schools. I have decided to start next year at The Ohio State University (Go BUCKEYES!!). My father (as an alum of the medical school) is THRILLED beyond belief!! I too am extremely excited. As much as doubt does creep in, God has made it SO abundantly clear that this is His will for me.


That being said, now that a decision has been made...the devil starts in. I have been second guessing my decision constantly. I have finally made friends here in Louisiana, my parents are here, my Goddaughter is here...it just seems SO hard to leave. Yet I know I must. Along with doubt has come a flurry of other fears. What about going to daily mass there? what if I can't? How will I survive without receiving Jesus every day? How will I ever find a church I like as much as the one I had last year in Virginia?



Then Jesus reminds me that He has provided for me thus far...I need to continue to trust in HIM!! and HIM ALONE!



All of this is compounded by another great sadness in my heart. I'm turning 26 this June, and I have 9 weddings this year. All of my friends have serious boyfriends or are getting married. There is still this twinge of sadness as I realize the changes that are occurring and that in many ways I am being left behind as they move on to lives that I cannot identify with. I (as a perpetually single person) cannot commiserate over relationship issues, or discuss diapering methods or pregnancy. I can help with wedding plans but there is still some great cavernous space between single life and non-single life. The worst part is that I am on one side..and my friends are on the other. I know this is just part of life and I accept it...that does not make it less hard. I KNOW I am not ready for marriage right now, and that great things will happen in medical school BUT that being said it's hard to be moving in such different directions with the people that used to be so close. I seem to be in a perpetual transition!

Don't' get me wrong...they are still my friends...it's just all different now. And truth be told...I'm about to leave them behind as well. I'm about to travel into the world of medicine...and that cavern between me and my friends just got bigger. I don't want to lose my friends...and as always I don't want to be perpetually alone. But I know I MUST follow Jesus wherever He leads me. and right now He is leading me to Ohio and if He wills it He will lead me to a career in Medicine and I must entrust all of my relationships to Him because He will never leave me behind.



Sorry if none of this made sense...I tend to ramble.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Well it's hard to believe that it's Christmas already. I must confess this year more than ever I feel completely unprepared. Advent has flown by in a flurry of working and preparing for Alyson and Jesse's wedding. Monday at the hospital where I work we had Christmas mass (yes weird I know) and I had this horrible sense of fear. I kept saying in my head..."NO...YOU CAN'T CELEBRATE CHRISMAS MASS YET...I'M NOT READY!!! " This got me thinking...I'm not ready. Are any of us really ready? What do I need to do to get ready? How do I know if I'm ready??

I'm overwhelmed by this world so often. I sit here in my office listening to my coworkers and their anger and pain overwhelms me. Last night at work we lost a baby. A 2 year old girl was hit by a car and she died in our ER. I told my coworkers about it today and proceeded to tell them about Steven Curtis Chapmans family. One of my coworkers proceeded to tell me that she would die if one of her children died. I know I don't have children yet and I can't understand that kind of love...but I pray that God would give me hope and joy even in the midst of that kind of suffering. During this Christmas season I think of Mary, I think of her hardships and and that she endured to bring to life the son of God. She suffered...and she suffered greatly. Yet she never complained and never spoke against the Lord. I don't really know where I'm going with this except that recently I've been given the grace to understand and see my nothingness even more. The Lord is God...He created all things and who are we to question His will or His plan. Sometimes things suck...but like the Blessed Mother our souls should magnify the Lord. What greater witness of love is there than to Love the Lord and serve Him even in the midst of things that in the worlds eyes would crush you.

Isnt' that why Christ came? to give us HOPE!!! So I guess that's what I'm praying for this Christmas season...that all those without Hope or joy may find it in the birth of God made Man. If we believe that Jesus is God then His birth should fill us with wonder...God chose to come to us...God CARES FOR US!!! HE WILL NOT LET ANYTHING HARM US...HE WILL WITHHOLD NOTHING GOOD FROM US...NOT EVEN HIS OWN SON!! THEREFORE...LET NOTHING DISTURB YOU AND NOTHING DISTRESS YOU!!

I still don't know if I'm ready for Christmas but I pray that the Lord may have mercy on me and see the desire of my heart to love Him and know Him more closely and intimately!

So I pray for all of you this Christmas season...HOPE and JOY in abundance and in all circumstances!! That God's love may inundate your hearts and fill you with all grace and Joy!! Practice the art of being in God's presence....then when He comes may He find us ready and waiting in HOPEFUL anticipation!!

The End of the World

well Obama has won...now my coworkers are talking about the end of the world. This conversation seems to come up a lot these days. There are apparently numerous prophecies that the world will end December 2012. I shouldn't be afraid but I think we are always afraid about what we cannot see. I shouldn't be attached to this world but in part I am. I like life, I want to get married and have children, but I also recognize that to live with God in eternal joy is even better. I need to keep it all in perspective I know.

so back to Obama. There is much to fear yes, but we cannot let this ruin our faith. What the devil wants more than anything is for us to turn away from God and think "what's the point in praying if it all turns out for nothing?" Well God has answered our prayers- He just said no. So last night I got off of work and I was upset and I went home and prayed and the response I got when I opened my Bible was Psalm 4.

Psalm 4
1 Answer me when I call to you,
O my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.


2 How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame [a] ?
How long will you love delusions and seek false gods [b] ?

3 Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself;
the LORD will hear when I call to him.

4 In your anger do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.

5 Offer right sacrifices
and trust in the LORD.

6 Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?"
Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD.

7 You have filled my heart with greater joy
than when their grain and new wine abound.

8 I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O LORD,
make me dwell in safety.


Basically our hope and our lives lie in God. Regardless of what happens we need to cling to Him. God is in control and we need to continue to fast and pray and trust in God's providence. If the Lord asks it we shall give up our lives for the truth. So I say...PRAISED BE JESUS CHRIST NOW AND FOREVER!!

AMDG