MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Well it's hard to believe that it's Christmas already. I must confess this year more than ever I feel completely unprepared. Advent has flown by in a flurry of working and preparing for Alyson and Jesse's wedding. Monday at the hospital where I work we had Christmas mass (yes weird I know) and I had this horrible sense of fear. I kept saying in my head..."NO...YOU CAN'T CELEBRATE CHRISMAS MASS YET...I'M NOT READY!!! " This got me thinking...I'm not ready. Are any of us really ready? What do I need to do to get ready? How do I know if I'm ready??

I'm overwhelmed by this world so often. I sit here in my office listening to my coworkers and their anger and pain overwhelms me. Last night at work we lost a baby. A 2 year old girl was hit by a car and she died in our ER. I told my coworkers about it today and proceeded to tell them about Steven Curtis Chapmans family. One of my coworkers proceeded to tell me that she would die if one of her children died. I know I don't have children yet and I can't understand that kind of love...but I pray that God would give me hope and joy even in the midst of that kind of suffering. During this Christmas season I think of Mary, I think of her hardships and and that she endured to bring to life the son of God. She suffered...and she suffered greatly. Yet she never complained and never spoke against the Lord. I don't really know where I'm going with this except that recently I've been given the grace to understand and see my nothingness even more. The Lord is God...He created all things and who are we to question His will or His plan. Sometimes things suck...but like the Blessed Mother our souls should magnify the Lord. What greater witness of love is there than to Love the Lord and serve Him even in the midst of things that in the worlds eyes would crush you.

Isnt' that why Christ came? to give us HOPE!!! So I guess that's what I'm praying for this Christmas season...that all those without Hope or joy may find it in the birth of God made Man. If we believe that Jesus is God then His birth should fill us with wonder...God chose to come to us...God CARES FOR US!!! HE WILL NOT LET ANYTHING HARM US...HE WILL WITHHOLD NOTHING GOOD FROM US...NOT EVEN HIS OWN SON!! THEREFORE...LET NOTHING DISTURB YOU AND NOTHING DISTRESS YOU!!

I still don't know if I'm ready for Christmas but I pray that the Lord may have mercy on me and see the desire of my heart to love Him and know Him more closely and intimately!

So I pray for all of you this Christmas season...HOPE and JOY in abundance and in all circumstances!! That God's love may inundate your hearts and fill you with all grace and Joy!! Practice the art of being in God's presence....then when He comes may He find us ready and waiting in HOPEFUL anticipation!!

The End of the World

well Obama has won...now my coworkers are talking about the end of the world. This conversation seems to come up a lot these days. There are apparently numerous prophecies that the world will end December 2012. I shouldn't be afraid but I think we are always afraid about what we cannot see. I shouldn't be attached to this world but in part I am. I like life, I want to get married and have children, but I also recognize that to live with God in eternal joy is even better. I need to keep it all in perspective I know.

so back to Obama. There is much to fear yes, but we cannot let this ruin our faith. What the devil wants more than anything is for us to turn away from God and think "what's the point in praying if it all turns out for nothing?" Well God has answered our prayers- He just said no. So last night I got off of work and I was upset and I went home and prayed and the response I got when I opened my Bible was Psalm 4.

Psalm 4
1 Answer me when I call to you,
O my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
be merciful to me and hear my prayer.


2 How long, O men, will you turn my glory into shame [a] ?
How long will you love delusions and seek false gods [b] ?

3 Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself;
the LORD will hear when I call to him.

4 In your anger do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.

5 Offer right sacrifices
and trust in the LORD.

6 Many are asking, "Who can show us any good?"
Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD.

7 You have filled my heart with greater joy
than when their grain and new wine abound.

8 I will lie down and sleep in peace,
for you alone, O LORD,
make me dwell in safety.


Basically our hope and our lives lie in God. Regardless of what happens we need to cling to Him. God is in control and we need to continue to fast and pray and trust in God's providence. If the Lord asks it we shall give up our lives for the truth. So I say...PRAISED BE JESUS CHRIST NOW AND FOREVER!!

AMDG

I'M GOING TO BE A DOCTOR!!! VOY A SER DOCTORA!!

Well I have GREAT news!! God is faithful (big surprise)!!! I received my first medical school admission yesterday. This is really remarkable because Wednesday was the first day that they could send out acceptances and mine was postmarked before that. So they actually want me to go to school there!! PRAISE JESUS!!! So, as of right now I have been accepted to Louisiana State University -New Orleans!!

I really liked LSU-NO when I visited. As of now I have interviewed at LSU-NO, Tulane, and Loyola Chicago. I'm going to interview at Georgetown, New York Medical College, and Eastern Virginia Medical School. The most exciting thing is that the burden has been lifted!!! I'm GOING TO MEDICAL SCHOOL!!!

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ayer recibi mi entrada a la Universidad de medicina!!! Tengo algunas intervistas todavia pero lo mas importante es que ya se que voy a ser doctora!!! GRACIAS A DIOS!! GLORIA A DIOS!!!

y gracias por sus oraciones!!!

i miss Honduras

I miss Honduras. I miss Honduras so much it hurts sometimes. Last week I was picking out pictures to put in my office. As I began to go through my pictures of Honduras a wave of sadness flowed over me. I sat in my closet flipping through 2 years of my life feeling like it was a lifetime ago. As I flipped I saw friends, family, and joy greater than I had ever known....and I began to cry. I sat in my closet for close to 45 minutes crying and praying. Some days I wonder what I'm doing here...some days I just want to run back to Honduras where life had joy, and purpose...where I was close to God. Yet I know that I'm supposed to be here. But it's hard...I feel like I'm losing myself and worse yet..>I'm losing God!! I miss Honduras so much it hurts!! I miss who I was when I was there and I miss the joy I had.
Things here are so complicated...so difficult and so depressing. With this new economic crisis and the upcoming election for president in the US I fear that it really is the end of the world. As much as I fear all of that I look forward to it at the same time. I see the world around me and I pray "maranatha" or "come quickly Lord Jesus". I know things were complicated in Honduras...but they were complicated in such a different way. I don't know...maybe I'm just discouraged...all I know is that I miss Honduras.

Pray for me...as I do for you. Together may we arrive in heaven!!

Life

Well it's been a while since I've written...I guess I just haven't felt like it. So much has happened...and so much continues to plague my thoughts. I moved from Virginia..I had a WONDERFUL time saying goodbye to my friends (I'll post pictures later). Then I spent 2 weeks in Italy with my wonderful sister Etel and my parents. (I'll also post pictures of that later) Italy was amazing for many reasons, first of all it was italy...how could it not be amazing. Second of all, I feel like I started to reconnect with God. I began to pray again...don't get me wrong..I'm still far from where I should be but I feel that He wooed me while I was there. He showed me just how much He loves me. It was wonderful.
So I returned home to devestation fromHurricane Gustav. My family and home are fine but many other places (including our beach house) are not. I started work and am now in the full swing of things. It's a fast paced environment and working 2 jobs is a little strenuous. Yesterday and today I will be working from 8-5 in my normal job and then 6-10pm at the ER. It's a little crazy!!! But it's also a good glimpse and life from here on out.
The exciting news is that I have been offered 4 interviews at medical schools. This month I will be interviewing at Tulane, and Louisiana State University in New Orleans. Next month I'll be in interviewing at Georgetown, and then in November I'll be interviewing at New York Medical College. (also in November I'll be visiting Honduras with my mother to see my friend graduate from school!!!).
All in all life is good...I have no complaints...I'm still learning to live again and I'm still praying for you all!! God bless!

Reflections on Life

Well it's hard to believe that in less than a week I will be done with my post-bac program. Today is Wednesday, and on Friday the movers come to store my stuff, and I'm packing what can fit in my little car for the next few weeks until I'm back in Baton Rouge. Monday is my orgo lab final and I'm incredibly unprepared for it. I'm realizing just how much work I have to do, and yet still not doing it. In two weeks I will again be a resident of Louisiana, with a real paying job and real responsibilities. Meanwhile, I'm continuing to work on my secondary applications for medical school and praying for grace and wisdom in this process.

Needless to say, with all these changes I've been prompted to reflect a bit. Last Friday I was getting ready for work and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror...I couldn't help but think "wow...how things have changed in a year. What a far cry from a missionary I am now." I think it's a number of things but I know that I have changed. I've found not only my outward apperance but also my soul and my demeanor.

While I Honduras I worked hard on talking less and listening more. On being aware of how I was percieved by other people and becoming less bossy and demanding. Here in the states I've returned to the bossy, center of attention, rude person that I was before. And I can't tell you how much it saddens me. I want so desperately to be holy, to be humble, and to be gentle. Yet, I still fail to be quiet. I see myself succumbing to stress, and anxiety and lashing out at others. Failing to be a witness of Christ's love daily in my thoughts, words, and actions. I have also found myself change in apperance. I can rationalize some of it by saying, well I'm going to be a doctor and I have to look presentable. To an extent it's true, but it still surprises me when I look in the mirror and see someone else staring back at me. The worst part is that I fear I've lost my joy, and my ability to be a friend. I've been so focused on myself and what I needed to do this year that I wonder if I can actually have real friendships and conversations again. I don't know if I can...and that scares me. It scares me that I want to spend most of my time alone now and not talking to people because I just don't feel like it. It's such a hard thing to explain...the lonliness and the detachment.

I don't mean to imply that this year has been all bad. I still get a rush every time I walk into the hospital. I'm still fascinated and enthralled with the science of medicine and there is still a certain amount of pride when I realize that I'm going to be a doctor. And now that my MCAT is back and my secondary applications are coming in it's starting to be more and more real...I will be a doctor. That excites me..and it scares me all at the same time.

I don't really know the point of all this...I guess just to reflect on how much I've changed. It seems like my life in Honduras was a different lifetime and a different person. I still yearn to be back there...and yet I wonder if I can ever go back or if I was ever really there. I doubt that anyone there would recognize me anymore...so drastically have I changed. And maybe I haven't changed much externally...but I can't even explain how different and foreign I feel internally. I feel like I have aged many years in the last 15 months and yet at the same time I fear how fast life is moving. And worse yet, I fear that I'm not living life but only watching it. It goes by so fast...

So I'll return to Louisiana to find myself again and spend the year working. First I'm going to Fredericksburg and Virginia Beach and Richmond to say my good-bye's. Then back to Louisiana to be with my family and start my job. Please pray for me and I will continue to pray for you.

MCAT and my birthday...el MCAT y mi cumpleanos

So I've begun the final countdown. A week from yesterday is the date of my MCAT (the Medical College Admissions Test). I continue to study hard, relax a little, and beg for everyone's prayers and intercession. For the moment I have a surprising amount of peace...(that might be because I'm trying to not think about it too much) nonetheless, prayers are greatly appreciated. I have to believe that since I have done all that I can do, the Lord will do the rest.

I have entrusted my MCAT, as well as the rest of my life, to the blessed Virgin Mary. Since doing my consecration to her over a year ago, so much has changed in my life, and for the better. I know that she wants the best for me, because she wants what her son wants and as my spiritual director always says "jenny, just remember this equation: God's will= my true good." So, I have consecrated and given over all of it to her...trusting that all will be well. I am praying a novena to Our Lady and invite all of you to pray with me. (obviously not the novena b/c my test is in 6 days). But still...please keep me in your prayers on Friday, June 13th at 8am Central Time until 1pm central time.

Also, yesterday was my 25th birthday...a little traumatic to be a quarter of a century and spend it in the medical school library...but I have a feeling that that is what much of my life will be like from now on and I accept it. If that is the cross God has given me I understand and embrace it. So, other than studying and freaking out occasionally, that is pretty much all there is to my life. You all remain in my thoughts and prayers...and please keep me in yours. God bless!

(some friends from my program and I on my birthday; yo con algunos amigos de mi programa en el dia de mi cumpleanos)

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bueno...he empezado la cuenta final. En 6 dias voy a tomar mi MCAT (Prueba de entrada a la universidad de medicina- ie Medical College Admissions Test). Sigo estudiando dura, relajando a vezes, y mendigar por sus oraciones. Por el momento tengo paz...no se si es porque estoy tratando de no pensar en el examen o si es porque Dios esta dandome una gracia gigante...no me importa. Que es lo mas importante para mi ahora es que puedo guardar la paz en mi corazon. Sus oraciones son importante y estoy bien agradecida a uds por ofrecerles. Tengo que creer que he hecho todo que puedo hacer, y que lo demas esta en el poder y los manos de Dios.

He entregado y consagrado mi MCAT (y mi vida) a la Santisimia Virgin Maria. Desde mi cosagracion a ella hace mas que un ano, mucho ha pasado y cambiado en mi vida. Se que ella esta guiandome y se que ella esta ayudandome de acercar mas a su hijo. Se que la voluntad de ella esta (porsupuesto) lo mismo que la voluntad de su Hijo. Es como mi director espiritual siempre esta diciendome, "jenny, recurda esta equation, La voluntad de Dios= la buena verdadera para mi vida" Entonces, sigo recordando mi misma que todo esta en los manos de Dios. Y he empezado una novena a la Virgin para mi examen. Les pido que rezan para mi a ella, o a San Antonio, Santa Rita, Santa Gianna, San Lucas, o San Raphael para mi examen (o a todos si quieren) Si pueden recordarme en sus oraciones y ayunas mi examen es la proxima Vierenes

Vierenes, 13 de Junio desde la 8 en la manana tiempo central hace la 1 en la tarde.

Tambien, ayer cumple 25 anos. Es estrando de estar 25 y de pasar todo el dia en la bibloteca...pero creo es como mi vida de este punto mas seria...y si esto es la cruz que Dios me ha dado...le acepto con humildad (y quejando de vez en cuando tambien). Entonces, menos estudiando y andando en la misa, esto es mi vida. Por favor, rezand para mi...y uds quedan siempre en mi corazon y mis oraciones. Que Dios les bendiga!!