MARY

“She is the one whom every man loves when he loves a woman - whether he knows it or not. She is what every woman wants to be when she looks at herself. She is the woman who every man marries in ideal when he takes a spouse; she is hidden as an ideal in the discontent of every woman with the carnal aggressiveness of man; she is the secret desire every woman has to be honored and fostered; she is the way every woman wants to command respect and love because of the beauty of her goodness of body and soul. And this blueprint love, whom God loved before the world was made, this Dream woman before women were, is the one whom every heart can say in its depth of depths: ‘She is the woman I love!’”
~Archbishop Fulton Sheen

I'm Ashamed

I just received an email from a friend of mine talking about the Haiti earthquake. I like most people have been following the news online. I've cried and prayed and cried some more. I know without a doubt that our dear Father's heart is breaking with those of His children. That He mourns with them and that His Blessed Mother stands beside all those who weep giving them courage and comfort. I take some comfort in that. Yet I am ashamed. Why you ask?
The email that my friend sent me was talking about this girl, Molly Hightower. She was 22years old and from Portland. She was volunteering in Haiti and was found dead on Jan 15th in the wreckage of the orphanage where she was working. I am ashamed because as I read her blog and read about her life I realize that I am nothing but selfishness and mediocrity. Those who knew her talk about her passion and love for the poor and those with special needs. I realize how inadequate and incompetent I am at loving. I am selfish and caught up in my own life. I am judgemental, even when it comes to other Catholics. I realized today that I've been judging other Catholics in my class b/c I didn't think they were as devout as me...that's Pride if I've ever heard of it. And quite misplaced too I might add, these women are probably closer to God than I am because of their authentic desire to serve Him.
So I am ashamed because reading about Molly reminds me of all that I want to be. I want to be joyful and loving and full of life. I want to give myself completely to others and love them with reckless abandon. What makes me sad is that I think I used to be better at it. When I lived in Honduras I think I was better. I miss who I was there. I don't want to romanticize it, I know I had issues loving there as well (I remember always comparing myself to Brittany who loves so freely and so well) but I do think I was better. I was more authentically who God intended me to be. I am just so tired of mediocrity. I'm so tired of not living a life of extremes and of passion. I know that this is where God has called me but now I have to figure out how to be who He wants me to be here in this place. I have become so caught up with myself.
Lord have mercy on me. Give me Your grace to love with reckless abandon and to see You in every person I meet. Lord, help me to be a witness to everyone I come in contact with, that You are the center of my life. Empty me so completely of myself that nothing remains of me.
Let us pray for all those in Haiti, so many people who dedicated their lives to serving others were lost in this disaster, including a Brazilian doctor who had dedicated her life to improving health care for children, the Archbishop of Haiti, countless priests and seminarians...and of course Molly Hightower. May they rest in peace, and intercede for those of us left here on earth.

To read Molly's blog go to http://mollyinhaiti.blogspot.com

Epiphany

It only seems appropriate that today was the Epiphany. Not because the epiphany is on January 6th every year (yes I know it is) but because today we talked about abortion. Today as my class discussed "pregnancy termination" I reveled and rejoiced in the birth of a savior; in the recognition by 3 wise men that the messiah had been born and was found wrapped in a manger- and I needed that today.

Today in class we had an "ethics" session. Right off the bat in my class of 100 people the professor took an anonymous poll "Abortion is wrong regardless of the circumstances. Agree or Disagree". I was one of 8% that disagreed. Part of me wants to know am I the only one...if there were 100 of us in the class there are at least 7 other people who are with me...who are they and how can we find each other?

So why is it so appropriate that today was epiphany? Because today we celebrate Christ coming to ALL of us. coming to every single person and all of humanity...including those that reject Him and mock Him. I sat there in class with my rosary in my hand praying...Hail Mary's crossing my lips. Watching as the percentage agreeing with abortions in different scenarios changed. It's okay to abort a child because of risk to the mothers' life but not because of mental retardation, etc. Of course there is no "right" answer according to the teacher. But in my heart, as always, there is a right answer. That answer is life is sacred from conception to natural death. That answer means my life is going to be very difficult for the next 20 years.

My professor laid out the responsibilities of a physician regarding "termination of pregnancy":
- Entitled to hold strong personal views either for or against
- Patients are entitled to have all available information about legal treatment and management options
- Practitioners are required to provide the information (informed consent)
- Practitioners should neither block access nor attempt to coerce patients into a choice of more personal preference for the practitioner
- Practitioners are NOT required to participate in the actual pregnancy termination

this doesn't sound as scary as it feels. I don't want to give a woman a referral for having an abortion and I don't want to feel like a bad person if I choose not to...or a bad doctor. I know that I will be criticized for my views because they are so radically different, but they're the truth and any woman who has carried a child in her womb will tell you that. I also know that Christ was ridiculed. He was crowned with thorns, mocked, beaten, and betrayed. What are my sufferings as compared to His?

Christ has brought me here and He will sustain me. I need only to rely on Him and the Holy Spirit to guide me in my interactions and decisions regarding my medical career. That was my epiphany today...that this world is sad and lost and confused. That this world and all those in it desperately need Christ. That we need to approach the manger with the wise men and look in awe and wonder at the beautiful gift of God to all of mankind...a BABY!! It's appropriate that today is epiphany because as I talk about "pregnancy termination" I celebrate in the profundity of my heart, the birth of a baby...the Christ child! Let us continue to pray that our world will return to a culture of life that embraces all life regardless of the hardships or difficulties that it brings!

I'm an Auntie!!

Wonderful news!! Last Sunday, August 23rd (the feast of St. Rose of Lima) my niece Anna Claire Perone was born! The other wonderful news is that I'm going to be her Godmother!!



God is SO GOOD!!

On a side note...I was at mass at St. Patrick's this AM (my parish) with my friend Gretchen. She comes out of church after I had already left and says to me "did you know there was a relic of St. Gianna in the church?" She figured out by the shocked look on my face and the tears streaming down my cheeks that I did not know that. We went in and sure enough there is. PLUS, the Molla family gave one of St. Gianna's handkerchiefs to the church as a gift in 2004 since they were one of the first churches to display the image of St. Gianna.

So she's still guiding me...PRAISE GOD!!

New Beginnings

So this will be pretty short since I really need to be studying right now.

I'M IN MEDICAL SCHOOL!!!!Still a little surreal to believe that I'm really here and really doing this. We (my parents and I) left Baton Rouge at the end of July and drove to Columbus. ON the way up we stopped in Indianapolis to see my cousins, and aunt and uncle. My cousin brought her sons who happen to be my Godsons. They are BEAUTIFUL. We went to a fair and had a great time. They are wonderful and lovely children and my cousin and her husband are wonderful parents. Also on the God child front, my brother and his wife are expecting their first child any day now(please keep them in your prayers) and they've asked me to be her Godmother. I'm privileged and excited about this. The only disadvantage is that my final anatomy exam is scheduled for the day after the baptism but I know God will provide.



So back to medical school...orientation was the week of August 10th and included my white coat ceremony. For those of you who don't know medical students have short white coats while doctors have long white coats. Getting the white coat is a big rite of passage that signifies your entrance into the medical community. It's very exciting and very awe inspiring.



Classes themselves started this week. I'm taking anatomy, embryology, and CAPS (Clinical Aspects of Physician Sciences- or something like that). CAPS is basically how to take physical exams, do History of Present Illness, intubate, etc. The other exciting news is that 25 people were chosen randomly to do a clinical correlates of surgery during anatomy and I was one of them (out of 150 or so people). So far I'm really enjoying that part and it's not graded. Basically each week a different surgery specialty comes in and shows us how to do common operations on cadavers. This week was a general introduction where we learned how to tie surgical knots and throw stitches. Next week is orthopedics and we're doing a hip replacement. It's nice to be so hands on.

It's hard to believe I finished my first week of school yesterday- it already feels like I've been here forever. I'm quite overwhelmed and nervous about my ability to do this but I keep telling myself that God Himself has brought me here and is going to guide me. I really think getting that surgical correlates class (which I prayed so hard to get) is yet another sign of His divine providence. That being said I already feel behind in my classes and frequently wonder how in the world I'm going to keep up.

I also cringe b/c my faith life is suffering. I'm not making it to daily mass b/c I'm in class from 7:30 to 12:30 and the only night mass is EXTREMELY unorthodox. Lord have mercy on me!! The good news is that my friends in Charlottesville, VA have set me up with one of the local Dominican priests at my parish here. Fr. Tom used to be in Cville back in the day. He came over and blessed my apartment on Thursday and is so lovely and easy to talk to. He really made me feel welcome here and I've asked him to be my spiritual director. GOD IS SO GOOD!! These are things I've been praying about. I've also decided to help with the special needs CCD class that they've started at St. Pa tricks. It's only 2 hours on the weekends and I think it will be good for me. Plus, I've found perpetual adoration here in town- now I just need to go.

So in short...the Lord is providing for me here. This should come as no surprise but it is still somewhat of one for me. Because of my wretched sinfulness I am so fearful and anxious. Please pray for me- that God may heal me of my anxiety. Right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water. It's only the first week of school and I already feel behind and stupid most of the time. I knew there would be people smarter than me here but it is still hard to not feel discouraged. I was also thinking today about how I really can't complain. I'm living the dream- or at least what I've always dreamed about and I know there are MANY people who would love to be in medical school (especially here). So I really can't complain about all the hard work or not having a life...this is the path I chose- more correctly the path God has placed in my heart. I need to enjoy it and I am. I'm enjoying learning all these new things (I just wish it was at a slower pace!!).

Well that's about all I have time for at the moment. Please keep checking back and I will update the blog as best as I can. I will not get to see most of you for a while since my exam schedule is pretty overwhelming (my first anatomy exam is the Friday after the missioners labor day retreat). I miss you all and am praying for you.

Pictures from my birthday and other important events!

Here are some pictures from Steven and Mauree's Wedding, my birthday, and John Paul's Second Birthday Party! ENJOY!!

Memories from Honduras

Found this old email from Honduras...it brought back memories and I thought I'd share!


Dear friends and family:
Praise and blessings in our Lord and Savior Jesús Christ! Sorry that it has been so long since I´ve written. I´ve been back in Honduras now for a little over a month. Had a slight snag in returning from Guatemala. It was hard to leave Guatemala especially since we left right after the terrible flooding and destruction of what is still a beautiful country. After leaving Guatemala we got stuck in Copan (right inside the Honduras boarder) for a day because of a campesinos strike. It feels like just yesterday that I arrived, and yet like I´ve lived here my whole life. So much has happened, every day something new happens. I´m in charge of sponsorship (meaning I spend a lot of time translating and typing information in the computer). I´m also running our middle school girls group Las Rosas de maria with Alyson (another volunteer). We´re also doing a Christmas pageant, I´m teaching music and dance classes. All in all it´s a wonderful experience. Doing home visits, evangelization, harder things than I would have thought.
The community here is beautiful. We are 7 women (4 Americans and 3 Hondurans) and three men. It’s odd and a bit humorous but it´s incredible how each person adds something to our house. My Spanish is much better and I can actually communicate now which is quite exciting.
As for me, well, God has been revealing many things to me in my heart lately. It´s hard to explain our life here…at times it is normal missionary life and yet there is no normal. It´s a daily struggle to be the empty vessel that God uses. How do you explain God´s love and will to a woman with three special needs children, who now might have cancer? And yet there is no need. It is she who continues to have faith- and we who struggle with the reality.
We´re do-ers and yet most of the time there´s nothing we can do. With so few resources we can´t help everyone but everyone needs help. The little girl with appendicitis needs food and bandages changed, there´s Claudia at our door with two black eyes. Daisy and her family need to get away from her abusive husband. But we have no place to put them, no resources, no safety to offer. When every day there´s a new emergency, another mother with a feverish baby standing at our front gate. It´s so easy to feel helpless.
We had a fiesta for all saints day, a rare evening of music, ice cream, and jump-roping (don´t ask). A night of lighthearted cheer that sends us soaring into the clouds only to be abruptly brought down to earth by desperate little voices and the clanging of the lock against our metal gate ¨CAROL!!¨ Little girls out past what should be their bedtime on streets not safe enough for us to walk at night. Their father is drunk. We call a relative who comes to get them. How can I be the same person after this?
I realize now again how lucky I am. I´m here “living in poverty” and yet still existing in my oasis of comfort and safety here in our house. There´s no angry drunk man coming home – the gates keep them out (usually). We know that tomorrow we will eat and that we will have a bed to sleep in the next night. Who am I to presume that I can help these people? I who have absolutely no understanding of their lives. I realize now that all I can do is pray and love- and I am mightily inadequate at that at times.
I have no concept of what it means to live like these people. Sick with strep the other day I was dropped off at San Benito (the clinic in our neighborhood) to see a doctor. I realize now that I selfishly expected to go right in (as we usually do). I was greatly surprised and distraught (much to my shame) when I realized Erika and I were going to wait in line. I spent some time wallowing in my own self pity about how sick and tired I was. Praise God it didn´t take me long to realize what a jerk I was. Who am I to presume I´m more important than the people in line with me? My job is to serve them not to think myself above the line. By the time I got my number my attitude had changed. We began talking with the other people (mostly mothers with young children) all charming and just as sick and miserable as I was. I on the other hand would be driven back to my nice warm bed 7 blocks away while they would walk home (sometimes for hours) and go back to work because they have no other option. How humbling to realize just how prideful I still am.
I came to Honduras thinking myself humble (I know what a joke). I now realize that I was still holding myself above others because I was going off to “save the world”. How wrong I was. God has been revealing to me that I am in fact nothing special other than what He does through me. Most of the time I feel hugely inadequate to do much of anything. Praise God!! I have prayed for humility and God is granting it to me. To live in a community of talented, holy, loving people is in fact one of the greatest challenges I´ve known as I am challenged daily to be more holy myself. To love more completely and freely in every circumstance and activity. Whether cleaning toilets, driving someone to town, or leading a girls group.
Behind the beauty of the mountains and the simplicity of life here how there is a fight going on for this country. The struggle between good and evil is at full force and I pray we can win. Some days I´m certain the battle has already been lost- and then I look at the youth we work with. Yes we feel helpless here but if we give up we´re taking away the opportunity they have to fight and to know someone is fighting with them. They are striving and fighting so hard to win- if we help just one our job is worth it- just one. But how do you let the other 99 go? I look at people like Erika who is a beautiful Honduran member of our community. At only 18 she has already fought the fight against her family, who are not Catholic, and who don´t approve of her work here. I can´t imagine fighting that battle.
And how do I- as someone who has only known love and boundless resources- offer anything to these people so beautiful and broken and yet closer to God than I could ever imagine. How beautiful they are- we who feel hopeless and they who continue to have faith- in us!
I realize now also how important our life of prayer is. It is so easy to get bogged down with all the things to be done- the people at the door, the programs to plan, and countless other activities- and yet it is prayer, mass, and time in front of the blessed sacrament that gives us hope.
“Ï have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble but take heart I have overcome the world.¨- 1 John
It is in admitting our weakness and inadequacy that we realize that we do nothing. We are not strong enough to help all these people- but Christ is and it is Him who works through us- if we let him.
As for me and my vocation, I am continuing to search for His holy and perfect will, and God willing will be going to visit the Franciscan Sisters of the Renewal in New York in the spring. Please pray for me as I do for all of you. These days I struggle to live the words of St. Paul of the Cross, ¨neither to suffer, nor to die, but only to turn perfectly to the will of God.¨ Yes life here is a challenge. Humbling and frustrating and rough- but beautiful and vale la pena (worthwhile) at the same time. What a challenge to daily try to die to yourself. I still walk back from mass at the friars every morning with the mountains greeting me and thank God that I am here- I am at home and I am at peace.