Encouragement

So we have a massive test coming up in a week. It's over 90 bacteria, 90 diseases, and 90 different antibiotics to treat them all. We have to know epidemiology, symptoms, treatments, etc. Basically it's a crap load of information...and I'm scared. I'm scared and anxious...and I'm scared that my anxiety will cripple me like it did for the last test. (On my last test I changed 6 right answers.) At our "review" session yesterday my heart was racing and my chest was tightening...and I'm petrified that this will be like my practice MCAT all over again. So I'm praying right now for grace. For the grace to be at peace and to have no anxiety. Again I feel that this is my strongest witness to my faith, the ability to be calm and at peace in the middle of all of this.

Then there's Pier Giorgio. My wonderful sister Heather sent me a CD on him for Valentines day. I listened to it on my way to visit a friend yesterday and I sobbed and had to stop it half way through. He is everything I strive to be and yet fail to be. He managed to live in the world and have friends who weren't Catholic and still be authentic to who he was and who God was calling him to be without alienating anyone. I haven't learned how to do that yet. I want to!! I want to call others to holiness not by nagging them or acting pious but merely by being who God created me to be. But I'm afraid I missed the boat here. I've been so overtly Catholic that I think people might not want to be around me. I don't know how to balance going out with people and having fun with being a saint (or a striving saint at least). I'm greatly saddened that I cannot find this balance and that I cannot figure out how to be a witness of holiness. That's what I want more than anything! To give myself completely to Christ and to be wholly his! That when I die people would say that I made them want to love God by my love and passion for Him

I have failed...and miserably. I'm overbearing and falsely pious and a wretched, wretched sinner. But I have to keep trying. I can't give up. so this lent I ask Bl. Pier Giorgio to help me live in this world without being OF this world. To enflame my faith and grant peace to my heart. To help me increase in charity and love for all those around me. That I may continue to go to daily mass and pray even though I'm overwhelmed and stressed. To help me to radiate peace and charity at all times...especially when I have nothing left to give and can only rely on the one who gives all things.

So now I ask for your prayers...all 2 of you who read this blog. That next Friday (and all of this lent) you would please pray for me. That God, the God of peace and love, would grant me freedom from my anxiety. That any success and glory may be completely for HIM. That I may learn how to be a witness of Christ merely through my love for Him; not seeking attention or praise for my faithfulness but acting out of ardent love for He who stays with us in the Eucharist. That others may be drawn closer to God by His love for them reaching through me...that I may be a pencil in His hand...a mere instrument to be used by Him for His will and purpose.

Bl. Padre Pio ....pray for us!

St. Gianna...pray for us!

St. Rita...pray for us!

St. Raphael ....pray for us!

Venerable John Paul II...pray for us!

Bl. Mother Teresa...pray for us!

all you holy men and women....pray for us!

"God is faithful, says Holy Scripture, and He will not allow you to be tried beyond your strength...whatever the trial, He will see you through it safely, and so enable you to endure...you are like a piece of pottery, shaped by instruction, fired by tribulation. When you are put into the oven, therefore, keep your thoughts on the time when you will be taken out again, for God is faithful, and He will guard both your going in and your coming out.¨

-St. Augustine

Br. Lawrence of the Resurrection

"The first means to acquire the Presence of God is great purity of life. The second is great fidelity to the practice of this presence and to the fostering of this awareness of God within, which must always be performed gently, humbly, and lovingly, without giving in to disturbance or anxiety. We must take special care that this inner awareness, no matter how brief it may be, precedes our activities, that it accompanies them from time to time, and that we complete all of them in the same way. Since much time and effort are required to acquire this practice, WE MUST NOT GET DISCOURAGED WHEN WE FAIL, for the habit is only formed with effort, yet once it is formed we will find contentment in everything. It is only right that the heart, the first to beat with life and the part that controls the rest of the body, should be the first and the last to love and adore God, whether by beginning or by completing our spiritual and physical activities, and generally, in all life's' exercises. It would be appropriate for beginners to formulate a few words interiorly, such as: "My God, I am completely yours," or "God of love, I love you with all my heart," or "Lord, fashion me according to your heart," or any other words love spontaneously produces. But they must take care that their minds do not wander or return to creatures. The mind must be kept fixed on God alone, so that seeing itself so moved and led by the will, it will be obliged to remain with God. This practice of the presence of God, somewhat difficult in the beginning, secretly accomplishes marvelous effects in the soul, draws abundant graces from the Lord, and when practiced faithfully, imperceptibly leads it to this simple awareness, to this loving view of God present everywhere, which is the holiest, the surest, the easiest, and the most efficacious form of prayer."
- Br. Lawrence of the Resurrection


I take hope from this. I have been feeling so confused lately. I blame part of it on the wretched weather we have here in Ohio. It's not hard to get depressed when you never see the sun. But more than that, I'm sad because I keep trying and striving for holiness and I keep failing.

Two things have happened in the last few days to discourage me, and one thing that surpasses all of those to encourage me.

First the discouragement:

1) while out with some friends on Friday night a friend of mine (who is not a believer) after drinking, told me that people thing I'm a gossip and that they are scared to tell me things b/c they're afraid I will judge them.
This saddens me beyond belief, and I have wracked my brains to try and evaluate if I have been gossiping (one of my greatest sins of the past) and I don't think I have been. I was also saddened that people feel that they can't approach me b/c I'm too religious. I know I came on strong at first but I don't want to deny who I am. I prayed that God would show me what to do. I pray that He will teach me to be a beacon of love in this world, that although they may think I'm too religious, when they need the truth and are ready to seek the truth they will come to me.

2) talking with a professor of mine (who IS a believer) she informed me that she was talking with a classmate of mine and encouraged her to spend time with me (since we are both "non traditional" students) and that classmate informed her something to the extent of "Oh, no. I can't. She's always trying to convert me to be Catholic or something..."

this also made me sad...I've only had a few conversations with this person, and admittedly all of them have been pretty intense but she started most of them. So I got home and took it to Jesus, and He soothed my soul. So what if people think I'm trying to convert them, I know that most of that is just how she perceives what I say and not necessarily WHAT I say. I will not apologize for who I am or for what I believe.

The encouragement:
I was in adoration on Saturday and Jesus spoke to my heart. He told me it's okay if I feel like a failure. That he fell three times on the way to crucifixion so that we would know that he understands what it's like to fail and to fall and to feel like a complete failure. That what matters is that we get back up again and keep trying. I had the most wonderful time praying the sorrowful mysteries and I again felt the Lord loving me....encouraging me to continue to love Him and especially to love Him for all those who don't love Him.

So as we prepare for lent, I'm getting back up off the ground again. Recognizing my wretched weakness and pride. Fearing that I am disappointing the one I love more than life itself. I pray that this lent I can continue to draw closer to Him and to love Him with all that I have. I know that God alone is enough and that if I have Him all will be well. Please pray for me as I do for all of you.

MARY

“She is the one whom every man loves when he loves a woman - whether he knows it or not. She is what every woman wants to be when she looks at herself. She is the woman who every man marries in ideal when he takes a spouse; she is hidden as an ideal in the discontent of every woman with the carnal aggressiveness of man; she is the secret desire every woman has to be honored and fostered; she is the way every woman wants to command respect and love because of the beauty of her goodness of body and soul. And this blueprint love, whom God loved before the world was made, this Dream woman before women were, is the one whom every heart can say in its depth of depths: ‘She is the woman I love!’”
~Archbishop Fulton Sheen

I'm Ashamed

I just received an email from a friend of mine talking about the Haiti earthquake. I like most people have been following the news online. I've cried and prayed and cried some more. I know without a doubt that our dear Father's heart is breaking with those of His children. That He mourns with them and that His Blessed Mother stands beside all those who weep giving them courage and comfort. I take some comfort in that. Yet I am ashamed. Why you ask?
The email that my friend sent me was talking about this girl, Molly Hightower. She was 22years old and from Portland. She was volunteering in Haiti and was found dead on Jan 15th in the wreckage of the orphanage where she was working. I am ashamed because as I read her blog and read about her life I realize that I am nothing but selfishness and mediocrity. Those who knew her talk about her passion and love for the poor and those with special needs. I realize how inadequate and incompetent I am at loving. I am selfish and caught up in my own life. I am judgemental, even when it comes to other Catholics. I realized today that I've been judging other Catholics in my class b/c I didn't think they were as devout as me...that's Pride if I've ever heard of it. And quite misplaced too I might add, these women are probably closer to God than I am because of their authentic desire to serve Him.
So I am ashamed because reading about Molly reminds me of all that I want to be. I want to be joyful and loving and full of life. I want to give myself completely to others and love them with reckless abandon. What makes me sad is that I think I used to be better at it. When I lived in Honduras I think I was better. I miss who I was there. I don't want to romanticize it, I know I had issues loving there as well (I remember always comparing myself to Brittany who loves so freely and so well) but I do think I was better. I was more authentically who God intended me to be. I am just so tired of mediocrity. I'm so tired of not living a life of extremes and of passion. I know that this is where God has called me but now I have to figure out how to be who He wants me to be here in this place. I have become so caught up with myself.
Lord have mercy on me. Give me Your grace to love with reckless abandon and to see You in every person I meet. Lord, help me to be a witness to everyone I come in contact with, that You are the center of my life. Empty me so completely of myself that nothing remains of me.
Let us pray for all those in Haiti, so many people who dedicated their lives to serving others were lost in this disaster, including a Brazilian doctor who had dedicated her life to improving health care for children, the Archbishop of Haiti, countless priests and seminarians...and of course Molly Hightower. May they rest in peace, and intercede for those of us left here on earth.

To read Molly's blog go to http://mollyinhaiti.blogspot.com

Epiphany

It only seems appropriate that today was the Epiphany. Not because the epiphany is on January 6th every year (yes I know it is) but because today we talked about abortion. Today as my class discussed "pregnancy termination" I reveled and rejoiced in the birth of a savior; in the recognition by 3 wise men that the messiah had been born and was found wrapped in a manger- and I needed that today.

Today in class we had an "ethics" session. Right off the bat in my class of 100 people the professor took an anonymous poll "Abortion is wrong regardless of the circumstances. Agree or Disagree". I was one of 8% that disagreed. Part of me wants to know am I the only one...if there were 100 of us in the class there are at least 7 other people who are with me...who are they and how can we find each other?

So why is it so appropriate that today was epiphany? Because today we celebrate Christ coming to ALL of us. coming to every single person and all of humanity...including those that reject Him and mock Him. I sat there in class with my rosary in my hand praying...Hail Mary's crossing my lips. Watching as the percentage agreeing with abortions in different scenarios changed. It's okay to abort a child because of risk to the mothers' life but not because of mental retardation, etc. Of course there is no "right" answer according to the teacher. But in my heart, as always, there is a right answer. That answer is life is sacred from conception to natural death. That answer means my life is going to be very difficult for the next 20 years.

My professor laid out the responsibilities of a physician regarding "termination of pregnancy":
- Entitled to hold strong personal views either for or against
- Patients are entitled to have all available information about legal treatment and management options
- Practitioners are required to provide the information (informed consent)
- Practitioners should neither block access nor attempt to coerce patients into a choice of more personal preference for the practitioner
- Practitioners are NOT required to participate in the actual pregnancy termination

this doesn't sound as scary as it feels. I don't want to give a woman a referral for having an abortion and I don't want to feel like a bad person if I choose not to...or a bad doctor. I know that I will be criticized for my views because they are so radically different, but they're the truth and any woman who has carried a child in her womb will tell you that. I also know that Christ was ridiculed. He was crowned with thorns, mocked, beaten, and betrayed. What are my sufferings as compared to His?

Christ has brought me here and He will sustain me. I need only to rely on Him and the Holy Spirit to guide me in my interactions and decisions regarding my medical career. That was my epiphany today...that this world is sad and lost and confused. That this world and all those in it desperately need Christ. That we need to approach the manger with the wise men and look in awe and wonder at the beautiful gift of God to all of mankind...a BABY!! It's appropriate that today is epiphany because as I talk about "pregnancy termination" I celebrate in the profundity of my heart, the birth of a baby...the Christ child! Let us continue to pray that our world will return to a culture of life that embraces all life regardless of the hardships or difficulties that it brings!

I'm an Auntie!!

Wonderful news!! Last Sunday, August 23rd (the feast of St. Rose of Lima) my niece Anna Claire Perone was born! The other wonderful news is that I'm going to be her Godmother!!



God is SO GOOD!!

On a side note...I was at mass at St. Patrick's this AM (my parish) with my friend Gretchen. She comes out of church after I had already left and says to me "did you know there was a relic of St. Gianna in the church?" She figured out by the shocked look on my face and the tears streaming down my cheeks that I did not know that. We went in and sure enough there is. PLUS, the Molla family gave one of St. Gianna's handkerchiefs to the church as a gift in 2004 since they were one of the first churches to display the image of St. Gianna.

So she's still guiding me...PRAISE GOD!!

New Beginnings

So this will be pretty short since I really need to be studying right now.

I'M IN MEDICAL SCHOOL!!!!Still a little surreal to believe that I'm really here and really doing this. We (my parents and I) left Baton Rouge at the end of July and drove to Columbus. ON the way up we stopped in Indianapolis to see my cousins, and aunt and uncle. My cousin brought her sons who happen to be my Godsons. They are BEAUTIFUL. We went to a fair and had a great time. They are wonderful and lovely children and my cousin and her husband are wonderful parents. Also on the God child front, my brother and his wife are expecting their first child any day now(please keep them in your prayers) and they've asked me to be her Godmother. I'm privileged and excited about this. The only disadvantage is that my final anatomy exam is scheduled for the day after the baptism but I know God will provide.



So back to medical school...orientation was the week of August 10th and included my white coat ceremony. For those of you who don't know medical students have short white coats while doctors have long white coats. Getting the white coat is a big rite of passage that signifies your entrance into the medical community. It's very exciting and very awe inspiring.



Classes themselves started this week. I'm taking anatomy, embryology, and CAPS (Clinical Aspects of Physician Sciences- or something like that). CAPS is basically how to take physical exams, do History of Present Illness, intubate, etc. The other exciting news is that 25 people were chosen randomly to do a clinical correlates of surgery during anatomy and I was one of them (out of 150 or so people). So far I'm really enjoying that part and it's not graded. Basically each week a different surgery specialty comes in and shows us how to do common operations on cadavers. This week was a general introduction where we learned how to tie surgical knots and throw stitches. Next week is orthopedics and we're doing a hip replacement. It's nice to be so hands on.

It's hard to believe I finished my first week of school yesterday- it already feels like I've been here forever. I'm quite overwhelmed and nervous about my ability to do this but I keep telling myself that God Himself has brought me here and is going to guide me. I really think getting that surgical correlates class (which I prayed so hard to get) is yet another sign of His divine providence. That being said I already feel behind in my classes and frequently wonder how in the world I'm going to keep up.

I also cringe b/c my faith life is suffering. I'm not making it to daily mass b/c I'm in class from 7:30 to 12:30 and the only night mass is EXTREMELY unorthodox. Lord have mercy on me!! The good news is that my friends in Charlottesville, VA have set me up with one of the local Dominican priests at my parish here. Fr. Tom used to be in Cville back in the day. He came over and blessed my apartment on Thursday and is so lovely and easy to talk to. He really made me feel welcome here and I've asked him to be my spiritual director. GOD IS SO GOOD!! These are things I've been praying about. I've also decided to help with the special needs CCD class that they've started at St. Pa tricks. It's only 2 hours on the weekends and I think it will be good for me. Plus, I've found perpetual adoration here in town- now I just need to go.

So in short...the Lord is providing for me here. This should come as no surprise but it is still somewhat of one for me. Because of my wretched sinfulness I am so fearful and anxious. Please pray for me- that God may heal me of my anxiety. Right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water. It's only the first week of school and I already feel behind and stupid most of the time. I knew there would be people smarter than me here but it is still hard to not feel discouraged. I was also thinking today about how I really can't complain. I'm living the dream- or at least what I've always dreamed about and I know there are MANY people who would love to be in medical school (especially here). So I really can't complain about all the hard work or not having a life...this is the path I chose- more correctly the path God has placed in my heart. I need to enjoy it and I am. I'm enjoying learning all these new things (I just wish it was at a slower pace!!).

Well that's about all I have time for at the moment. Please keep checking back and I will update the blog as best as I can. I will not get to see most of you for a while since my exam schedule is pretty overwhelming (my first anatomy exam is the Friday after the missioners labor day retreat). I miss you all and am praying for you.