Gratitude

So I'm getting a procedure done tomorrow to check out my esophagus...nothing really to worry about but I'll still be mostly out of it while they do it. In typical worry wart fashion I wanted to go to confession before this procedure, after all it's been almost 2 months since the last time I went (EEEK!!!). It's amazing how the grime of sin builds up over time...I haven't felt this need for confession in a while, and although I have no mortal sin on my soul, I could feel the dirt and weight of the hundreds (probably thousands) of venial sins built up over the last 2 months.

My penance for confession was to spend 3 minutes in front of the crucifix thanking the Lord. During my time in front of Christ, kneeling at the communion rail I was overwhelmed with gratitude.

I realized that (God forbid) should I die tomorrow I have no real regrets in my life.

I have been SO blessed in my life!! I have been given so much love, and friendship and fellowship.

I have traveled around the world, done almost everything I have ever wanted to do, and been blessed with a strong relationship with my Lord. Should I die, I know where I am going (most likely purgatory but I could hope for higher right). I know that there is an eternity waiting for me and when we think about life, our whole existence here on earth, even if it is more than 100 years, is still nothing but a blink of an eye in the realm of eternity. But my blink of an eye here has been full of blessings. I have the most wonderful parents who have done nothing but love me and support me. They are truly my best friends and I can tell them everything, I can't imagine my life without them.

I have been blessed with the opportunity to receive a wonderful education, first at BC, and now in medical school. I have traveled the world, gone to almost everywhere I have ever wanted to go, seen the beauty of other countries, and walked through Rome, most importantly I have shared those journeys with those I love most. What comes to mind is the pilgrimage that my parents, and I made with my best friend Etel almost 3 years ago. We took a whirlwind tour around Italy, including Rome, Pietriclina, Monte Cassino, Assisi, Venice, Lanciano, and my favorite...Loreto. Loreto is where the holy house where Jesus was raised is (yes I know he was born and raised in Nazareth...see this website for the explanation http://www.sacred-destinati

ons.com/italy/loreto-holy-house). Regardless of your beliefs about angels moving the house (see the website to understand what I'm talking about) there was a great peace there for

me... a great feeling of holiness.

Aside from my world travels, I have been blessed to live in Honduras for 2 years....to live in a wonderful community of believers and to meet the most holy and inspiring people I have

ever known. My whole experience in Honduras is forever written on my heart.

I will never forget my abuelas, especially dona paulita and dona

margharita. My girls, Candida, Jenny, Keilin, Rixie, Dulce, Josie, Erika, Suyapa, Milagro, and all the others...they are forever written on my heart and in my prayers. These beautiful young women who strive for holiness, who burst with joy and inspire me with their desires for growth. God was good enough to show me during my time in Honduras, just how wretched I am...that I can accomplish nothing but that I could learn so much. I learned about humility, love, compassion, hospitality, and perseverance. I was blessed to be a part of that community, and the community of the Missioners and the CFR's. I know that I would be a completely different person today were it not for them.

Basically, when I look at my life, I see a woman who has been blessed beyond all understanding. Why was I born into a life of privilege to parents who loved me unconditionally? when I was so far from God, He brought me back and called me to the truth. He called me out of darkness and gave me the grace to walk into the light. The best part and most humbling part, is that He continues to do that...He continues to love me. Much like Peter I have denied Christ multiple times in my life, and He keeps forgiving me.

When I look at my life I see a woman who is blessed to have had so many life experiences, opportunities, and most importantly to have been LOVED beyond what I am worthy of.

I have lived my dreams..I have been a ballerina, actress, college student, missionary, and now a medical student.

I have been a daughter, sister, and a friend. Although I know there is much more God could (and hopefully will) use me for, I can also say that should I die tomorrow I have lived a wonderful life, full of adventure, joy, and love and that I could not ask for more. All that I have is a gift and I am grateful...so tonight I thank you Lord. I thank you for the parents, family, and friends that you have blessed me with. I thank you for the life experiences, and resources that you have given me. I thank you for bringing me to OSU and letting me go to medical school. I thank you for my wonderful (future) roommates, my parish and all of it's priests, and for all the people that you have brought into my life. Most importantly I thank you for loving me and saving me. I thank you for being present in the tabernacles of all the churches throughout the world and for waiting there, loving us even until the end of time.

Welcome to the Desert

"Remember, man, that you are dust and unto dust you shall return."

It's hard to believe it's that time again....but it is...it's lent. This year, just like many in the past, I find myself powerfully reminded of the need for conversion, fasting, and prayer. Lent is the time to repent- to struggle, to fast, pray, and see our sinfulness and return to God's loving arms begging mercy and forgiveness. The sacrifices of lent and the suffering encountered therein take different manifestations each year for me, but each one with it's own revelations and poignant lessons. Last year it was being in Host Defense for all of lent, missing holy Thursday mass because my exam was on Good Friday. It was about yearning for God, seeking His will, and recognizing that I'm just as sinful and wretched as everyone else. This year is no different...already full of suffering. Gracefilled? yes. An inspiration to pray and fast all the harder? YES!! Fun? Not so much.

Yesterday morning, my friend and I went to mass at 7am before our 8:30am class, received our ashes...big, dark crosses displayed across our foreheads. Seeing us walking into class made me think of revelation, when the followers of the beast all get the mark but only those who follow the Lord do not- not having the mark sets them apart for ridicule and shame. So it was with us. The 3 of us sitting in class of 160 people, our faith clearly displayed across our faces literally. No hiding our opinion or our thoughts on what we were about to discuss....which was controlling contraception. Little did we know that our whole class yesterday was going to be on birth control, abortion, and sterilization methods. in His mercy, my friend and I (and our other faithful Catholic friend) were all sitting right across the aisle from each other. We started with a case of a 16 year old girl who comes in for birth control- as we cared for her over the next 20 years of her life she went through 2 pregnancy scares, 1 abortion, 1 STD, 3 babies, 1 divorce, and 1 considered tubal ligation. All of that....I can't help but feel that this is a sad statement of what we've become as humans...that we kill our own children and rationalize our way out of it citing "convenience" and "free choice".

Well during this whole discussion I sat there with tears in my eyes and rosary in my hand. My friend, the spitfire that she is, actually had the guts to ask the professor if they spend as much time trying to save the baby as they do preparing the mother for the abortion. The tension and disdain in the room was tangible at that point. God forgive me, but I was fearful and timid. I know what I believe, but really didn't want to incur that wrath upon myself. I can rationalize it saying that I know they wouldn't have listened anyway, but still....I'm ashamed that I was almost embarassed, praying that she wouldn't draw too much attention to our cross lined selves sitting there like silent statues, nausea and tears. When I think about it now, it makes me think of the women who stood at the foot of the cross- silent, tearful, sad, and praying. And that's what I was= interceding that the holy spirit would give my friend wisdom in her words, and that God would work in the hearts of my classmates- me, a silent intercessor calling down the ranks of heaven to defend us and to defend what we believe.

I don't think anyone listened, at least not really listened. People label us as crazy fanatics, irrational and cruel. 'how can you make someone suffer like that?" they ask me....ironic since they're they ones killing someone. Even my physiology book says "Immediately after fertilization, the zygote or fertilized egg begins to divide and a new life begins." What is worse than just not agreeing with our viewpoint is the amount of anger and disdain that we encountered. I logged onto facebook that same day and a good friend of mine (who I spend a lot of time with - enough to know that we have VERY different perspectives on this subject) had posted something to the extent that if we don't agree with learning about abortion we should have gone to a Catholic medical school. This comment was obviously about my friend who was speaking up in class, but it still stung me. what's worse is that about 13 of my FRIENDS here at school liked the post and made additional comments. Of the ones I read, they were all negative towards the church and our beliefs about sex, masturbation, and the right to life. So much anger and ridicule. They must have known that I would see that- didn't they think about the fact that one of the people they are attacking and ridiculing is someone they're friends with??? I was tempted to send her an email, say SOMETHING about it- to try and speak up and put a face with the people they attacked- hoping it would turn their hearts or something. But God spoke to my heart and simply whispered "PRAY". So that's what I've been doing ....for the last 2 days I've been offering it up, fasting, and praying. Praying for my friends that seem to hate the most fundamental parts of who I and what I believe so much. Praying for an end to abortion. Praying for all the woundedness in the world. Praying that not a single soul would be lost to the fires of hell.

More than anything I'm just sad right now. I'm so sad at what we as a society have become, and the moral gymnastics that we flip to rationalize what we want. I know that the anger and all of that comes from deep inside - from hatred at seeing actions in the light. What we say is NOT what they want to hear, so they reject it whole heartedly and make us into fanatics and judgmental oppressors, when the reality is that we are the most free of everyone.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say, except- welcome to the desert.

Countdown to Jun 13, 2011 8:00 AM in Columbus

http://timeanddate.com/s/1x21

I used to be wise...

so the other night I was avoiding studying (much like I"m doing now) and I started reading some emails that I have saved from my communications with my friends. I realized that I used to be much wiser...much more centered on God. There I was receiving encouragement and inspiration from myself...from the words I sent to my dear friend. I pray you will be encouraged by them as well...and I pray that someday I may become fully God's someday.

my dear friend...it is hard to keep going in a world that is constantly telling us we're not good enough but there is one thing that gives us hope and strength...God and the truth of His love. You are perfect in HIS eyes...and it is HIS love and HIS promises. It is this truth and this consolation which makes even the darkest day bright. Your Joy in all circumstances can come from the truth that He will never leave you...that HE has great plans for your life...and that HE loves you unconditionally. He is waiting for you my friend...waiting in the tabernacle at your nearest catholic church. Waiting for you to come and let Him love you. I encourage you, especially in this time of uncertainty, to let yourself rest in the arms and the bosom of Christ. In HIm all things are made new...He loves you so much Nick and I truly pray that this can be your constant hope and inspiration. I am praying for you my friend and my brother. Take care and know that God loves you! He has plans for your life...read Jeremiah 11:39.

Jenny

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I know God is there. I'm just so deprogrammed in seeing Him. In your mission have you been able to capture that love? What are the things you look at in life that help affirm that he is there? I see HIM on occasion, but I would love to get past the negativity and always know what to look for. You know what I mean?

I do appreciate your words. I guess the things that give me hope are those who have life experience. and that can bring humanity to God's Grace. At least be able to tell me what it means to them. Please share that with me. I need an other's own struggle to overcome to be positive. It's so easy to say that everything will be okay, but it's another to have seen and be fulfilling what God has sent them to do.

God Bless,

Nick

P.S I guess I just want to hear in your own words that you think of God and the challenges you are faced.

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my dear friend...I have seen Him everywhere...even in my emptiness..even when I didn't realize I was seeing him (hindsight is 20/20). God has shown me how deeply faulted I am. My selfishness, and inability to love He has made crystal clear to me. This could be damaging except I see how this is making me a better person, a better servant. I see Him in the poor. IN their unwavering belief...we go to save them but it is them who teach us what it means to give, what it means to love. It is easy to get caught up in all that I am incompetent at doing (and believe me at times I do...I compare myself to others in the community and hate myself) but then I go before Jesus in the blessed sacrament and he reminds me how much he loves me. I am surrounded by people who are constantly reaching to become the men and women of God that He wants...not only that but I see Him and His love in my kids. in their hope...look for Him in the poor...but most importantly Nick look for Him in the blessed sacrament. There is Grace that comes from that and with each visit to confession, communion, and adoration His GRACE AND LOVE BECOME MORE APPARENT! I am not to the level of a saint where I can find good in everything but I am finally getting to where I am trusting HIm and HIS plan for my life. WE have these delusions that we can fix things, or that our strength is enough to do everything...it's NOT!! only HE is strong enough and once you give up your own will and your own strength it's easy to realize that He is in control.

God's grace is the ability to keep breathing after losing a child. It is the ability to look forward with the knowledge that one day you will be reunited. I have seen it most clearly in the hope...the people I work for who have absolutely nothing but their faith in God and a smile on their face. It is seen in forgiveness...the father who forgives his son's killer...the mother who keeps believing long after her child has been buried...and it is seen in the new life. The first time you smile...realizing that life will never been the same but that it's not supposed to. To see new life and new hope (different hopes yes...but hope nonetheless). As long as there is new life there is always hope...and as long as there is hope there is light...and the darkness can never put out that light.
It can be hard to believe in Love and hope and grace when you are always faced with more pain, more people that I can't help...but he's finally helping me understand that my strength, my resources are not enough but HE IS. That's all I can tell you...run to him in the blessed sacrament....believe even when you don't feel...and know that HE is always there waiting for you (but you don't have all the time in the world to show up). Christ in the blessed sacrament, the mass, and confession are my strength...they are what give me the grace to see the beauty everywhere.
I know these thoughts are scattered but they're the truth from my heart. I used to want to be like Mother Teresa...then I realized I need to be me. If Mother Teresa had been just like St. Teresa of Liseux then there wouldn't have been a mother Teresa. Now the question is praying and figuring out who God is calling YOU, Nick, to be...I am praying for you as always my brother! God bless !

Jenny

Dreams

I want to be back out in the mission field...some days my heart yearns so deeply to be walking along dirt roads visiting houses, treating the sick, and living a simple life, that it hurts. I know that I have to be patient and that I have to be faithful to the mission field that God has called me to here...and Now....but it's still hard. I still dream of moving to Africa, of working with the poorest of the poor, of living a life of anonymity with great love and great service. I know it's a romantic notion, an ideal that I will probably never live up to...but I miss being in the third world. You'd never guess that to look at me...but I do. I miss giving of myself, I miss being reminded that there is more to life that just what is in front of me....I miss being real and I miss passion. I must be patient, allow God to work in my heart and give me the skills that will be useful, but I pray that when the time comes He will call me to all ends of the earth to serve with compassion, skill, and love. I wonder sometimes if I'm not still being called to religious life...that life appeals to me so dearly- to spend the whole day focusing on Jesus- loving Him in the poor, serving Him in the poor, and still getting daily mass and holy hour. I dream some days of being a religious sister and serving as a physician in the darkest, poorest parts of the world. I dream of being a martyr of love and self, even to the point of death itself. I know, I know this is foolish and overly romanticized but I just want to love Jesus with all that I have and to give all that I am to Him. I want to live a life that is big and that points everyone to the Lord and His love for all of humankind. I want to be a person that is so full of compassion and charity that people think of God!

I want so many things...but for right now I have to rejoice in this mission field...in the ways I can serve Jesus TODAY...HERE...in Columbus, Ohio and not in Africa. Lord, help me to love you as no soul has ever loved you and Lord, do with me as you will... I am yours...even to the point of martyrdom!

Seamos Santos

It's hard to believe that I'm almost done with my first year of medical school. My last test is a week from today and I'm astonished. I'm astonished by how much I have learned and how much I have forgotten. I still struggle daily with my own wretchedness...how I fail to pray, fail to love God, fail to see and love Him in others. I fail in patience, and discipline, and charity, and prudence. I fail in honesty, and generosity, and in almost every way imaginable. Lord have mercy on me! I know that I must have hope though...that in my wretchedness He will find something usable, something that can contribute to His kingdom. I (try to) praise Him for all of His goodness! That He is teaching me humility and perseverance, that He is teaching me to rely on Him alone. My goal...my desire more than anything is to be holy...that I may live the phrase "Seamos santos" meaning...may we be saints. May we strive to be holy and to be wholly His and do all in love and for His glory!

I'm still struggling with how to live IN this world without being OF this world. But that is something I can learn by grace alone and through many trials and errors. I wonder some days, if I should have entered the Carmelites. The days when all I want to do is sit in adoration and spend time with the Lord (although those days are few), I wonder if my time and life would be better spent in contemplation, spent praying for all the sadness and pain and suffering in the world. Days when all I want to do is sit in my Father's arms but instead must study. In many ways going into the convent and leading a life of prayer feels easier, and more peaceful. But I know that that life has it's own struggles and difficulties, and that it's not what He has asked of me. He has asked me to find peace in the midst of chaos, and to spend my days adoring Him in the tabernacles of the sick and the dying. That I may see my patients and classmates and co-workers for what they really are, Christ in a distressing disguise. They will be my tabernacles, holding the mystery that is God inside of them. I'm trying to remind myself that in each person I see, and each patient I treat, I am treating the Lord and that God is present with me albeit in a different form than in the Eucharist which although different, is necessary.

Just an update on life in general, Monday June 14th I start my externship in family medicine. I'm excited to spend 4 weeks learning and really being with patients. I continue to work as one of 3 student coordinators for one of the free clinics here in town, and am excited to be serving as an orientation leader (with my friend Kristen) in August, and as a member of the Admissions Committee for the next 3 years. All in all, life is quite busy and fulfilling in its own way. That being said I'm still looking forward to a vacation to Hawaii with my family this summer and a trip to Honduras for Etel and Mark's wedding in July.

I continue to pray for you all, to offer up my suffering (however small it may be) for you and your intentions. Please continue to pray for me as well! SEAMOS SANTOS!!

"The end for which we are created invites us to walk a road that is surely sown with a lot of thorns, but it is not sad; through even the sorrow, it is illuminated by joy."- Bl. Pier Giorgio Frasatti

Encouragement

So we have a massive test coming up in a week. It's over 90 bacteria, 90 diseases, and 90 different antibiotics to treat them all. We have to know epidemiology, symptoms, treatments, etc. Basically it's a crap load of information...and I'm scared. I'm scared and anxious...and I'm scared that my anxiety will cripple me like it did for the last test. (On my last test I changed 6 right answers.) At our "review" session yesterday my heart was racing and my chest was tightening...and I'm petrified that this will be like my practice MCAT all over again. So I'm praying right now for grace. For the grace to be at peace and to have no anxiety. Again I feel that this is my strongest witness to my faith, the ability to be calm and at peace in the middle of all of this.

Then there's Pier Giorgio. My wonderful sister Heather sent me a CD on him for Valentines day. I listened to it on my way to visit a friend yesterday and I sobbed and had to stop it half way through. He is everything I strive to be and yet fail to be. He managed to live in the world and have friends who weren't Catholic and still be authentic to who he was and who God was calling him to be without alienating anyone. I haven't learned how to do that yet. I want to!! I want to call others to holiness not by nagging them or acting pious but merely by being who God created me to be. But I'm afraid I missed the boat here. I've been so overtly Catholic that I think people might not want to be around me. I don't know how to balance going out with people and having fun with being a saint (or a striving saint at least). I'm greatly saddened that I cannot find this balance and that I cannot figure out how to be a witness of holiness. That's what I want more than anything! To give myself completely to Christ and to be wholly his! That when I die people would say that I made them want to love God by my love and passion for Him

I have failed...and miserably. I'm overbearing and falsely pious and a wretched, wretched sinner. But I have to keep trying. I can't give up. so this lent I ask Bl. Pier Giorgio to help me live in this world without being OF this world. To enflame my faith and grant peace to my heart. To help me increase in charity and love for all those around me. That I may continue to go to daily mass and pray even though I'm overwhelmed and stressed. To help me to radiate peace and charity at all times...especially when I have nothing left to give and can only rely on the one who gives all things.

So now I ask for your prayers...all 2 of you who read this blog. That next Friday (and all of this lent) you would please pray for me. That God, the God of peace and love, would grant me freedom from my anxiety. That any success and glory may be completely for HIM. That I may learn how to be a witness of Christ merely through my love for Him; not seeking attention or praise for my faithfulness but acting out of ardent love for He who stays with us in the Eucharist. That others may be drawn closer to God by His love for them reaching through me...that I may be a pencil in His hand...a mere instrument to be used by Him for His will and purpose.

Bl. Padre Pio ....pray for us!

St. Gianna...pray for us!

St. Rita...pray for us!

St. Raphael ....pray for us!

Venerable John Paul II...pray for us!

Bl. Mother Teresa...pray for us!

all you holy men and women....pray for us!

"God is faithful, says Holy Scripture, and He will not allow you to be tried beyond your strength...whatever the trial, He will see you through it safely, and so enable you to endure...you are like a piece of pottery, shaped by instruction, fired by tribulation. When you are put into the oven, therefore, keep your thoughts on the time when you will be taken out again, for God is faithful, and He will guard both your going in and your coming out.¨

-St. Augustine

Br. Lawrence of the Resurrection

"The first means to acquire the Presence of God is great purity of life. The second is great fidelity to the practice of this presence and to the fostering of this awareness of God within, which must always be performed gently, humbly, and lovingly, without giving in to disturbance or anxiety. We must take special care that this inner awareness, no matter how brief it may be, precedes our activities, that it accompanies them from time to time, and that we complete all of them in the same way. Since much time and effort are required to acquire this practice, WE MUST NOT GET DISCOURAGED WHEN WE FAIL, for the habit is only formed with effort, yet once it is formed we will find contentment in everything. It is only right that the heart, the first to beat with life and the part that controls the rest of the body, should be the first and the last to love and adore God, whether by beginning or by completing our spiritual and physical activities, and generally, in all life's' exercises. It would be appropriate for beginners to formulate a few words interiorly, such as: "My God, I am completely yours," or "God of love, I love you with all my heart," or "Lord, fashion me according to your heart," or any other words love spontaneously produces. But they must take care that their minds do not wander or return to creatures. The mind must be kept fixed on God alone, so that seeing itself so moved and led by the will, it will be obliged to remain with God. This practice of the presence of God, somewhat difficult in the beginning, secretly accomplishes marvelous effects in the soul, draws abundant graces from the Lord, and when practiced faithfully, imperceptibly leads it to this simple awareness, to this loving view of God present everywhere, which is the holiest, the surest, the easiest, and the most efficacious form of prayer."
- Br. Lawrence of the Resurrection


I take hope from this. I have been feeling so confused lately. I blame part of it on the wretched weather we have here in Ohio. It's not hard to get depressed when you never see the sun. But more than that, I'm sad because I keep trying and striving for holiness and I keep failing.

Two things have happened in the last few days to discourage me, and one thing that surpasses all of those to encourage me.

First the discouragement:

1) while out with some friends on Friday night a friend of mine (who is not a believer) after drinking, told me that people thing I'm a gossip and that they are scared to tell me things b/c they're afraid I will judge them.
This saddens me beyond belief, and I have wracked my brains to try and evaluate if I have been gossiping (one of my greatest sins of the past) and I don't think I have been. I was also saddened that people feel that they can't approach me b/c I'm too religious. I know I came on strong at first but I don't want to deny who I am. I prayed that God would show me what to do. I pray that He will teach me to be a beacon of love in this world, that although they may think I'm too religious, when they need the truth and are ready to seek the truth they will come to me.

2) talking with a professor of mine (who IS a believer) she informed me that she was talking with a classmate of mine and encouraged her to spend time with me (since we are both "non traditional" students) and that classmate informed her something to the extent of "Oh, no. I can't. She's always trying to convert me to be Catholic or something..."

this also made me sad...I've only had a few conversations with this person, and admittedly all of them have been pretty intense but she started most of them. So I got home and took it to Jesus, and He soothed my soul. So what if people think I'm trying to convert them, I know that most of that is just how she perceives what I say and not necessarily WHAT I say. I will not apologize for who I am or for what I believe.

The encouragement:
I was in adoration on Saturday and Jesus spoke to my heart. He told me it's okay if I feel like a failure. That he fell three times on the way to crucifixion so that we would know that he understands what it's like to fail and to fall and to feel like a complete failure. That what matters is that we get back up again and keep trying. I had the most wonderful time praying the sorrowful mysteries and I again felt the Lord loving me....encouraging me to continue to love Him and especially to love Him for all those who don't love Him.

So as we prepare for lent, I'm getting back up off the ground again. Recognizing my wretched weakness and pride. Fearing that I am disappointing the one I love more than life itself. I pray that this lent I can continue to draw closer to Him and to love Him with all that I have. I know that God alone is enough and that if I have Him all will be well. Please pray for me as I do for all of you.

MARY

“She is the one whom every man loves when he loves a woman - whether he knows it or not. She is what every woman wants to be when she looks at herself. She is the woman who every man marries in ideal when he takes a spouse; she is hidden as an ideal in the discontent of every woman with the carnal aggressiveness of man; she is the secret desire every woman has to be honored and fostered; she is the way every woman wants to command respect and love because of the beauty of her goodness of body and soul. And this blueprint love, whom God loved before the world was made, this Dream woman before women were, is the one whom every heart can say in its depth of depths: ‘She is the woman I love!’”
~Archbishop Fulton Sheen

I'm Ashamed

I just received an email from a friend of mine talking about the Haiti earthquake. I like most people have been following the news online. I've cried and prayed and cried some more. I know without a doubt that our dear Father's heart is breaking with those of His children. That He mourns with them and that His Blessed Mother stands beside all those who weep giving them courage and comfort. I take some comfort in that. Yet I am ashamed. Why you ask?
The email that my friend sent me was talking about this girl, Molly Hightower. She was 22years old and from Portland. She was volunteering in Haiti and was found dead on Jan 15th in the wreckage of the orphanage where she was working. I am ashamed because as I read her blog and read about her life I realize that I am nothing but selfishness and mediocrity. Those who knew her talk about her passion and love for the poor and those with special needs. I realize how inadequate and incompetent I am at loving. I am selfish and caught up in my own life. I am judgemental, even when it comes to other Catholics. I realized today that I've been judging other Catholics in my class b/c I didn't think they were as devout as me...that's Pride if I've ever heard of it. And quite misplaced too I might add, these women are probably closer to God than I am because of their authentic desire to serve Him.
So I am ashamed because reading about Molly reminds me of all that I want to be. I want to be joyful and loving and full of life. I want to give myself completely to others and love them with reckless abandon. What makes me sad is that I think I used to be better at it. When I lived in Honduras I think I was better. I miss who I was there. I don't want to romanticize it, I know I had issues loving there as well (I remember always comparing myself to Brittany who loves so freely and so well) but I do think I was better. I was more authentically who God intended me to be. I am just so tired of mediocrity. I'm so tired of not living a life of extremes and of passion. I know that this is where God has called me but now I have to figure out how to be who He wants me to be here in this place. I have become so caught up with myself.
Lord have mercy on me. Give me Your grace to love with reckless abandon and to see You in every person I meet. Lord, help me to be a witness to everyone I come in contact with, that You are the center of my life. Empty me so completely of myself that nothing remains of me.
Let us pray for all those in Haiti, so many people who dedicated their lives to serving others were lost in this disaster, including a Brazilian doctor who had dedicated her life to improving health care for children, the Archbishop of Haiti, countless priests and seminarians...and of course Molly Hightower. May they rest in peace, and intercede for those of us left here on earth.

To read Molly's blog go to http://mollyinhaiti.blogspot.com

Epiphany

It only seems appropriate that today was the Epiphany. Not because the epiphany is on January 6th every year (yes I know it is) but because today we talked about abortion. Today as my class discussed "pregnancy termination" I reveled and rejoiced in the birth of a savior; in the recognition by 3 wise men that the messiah had been born and was found wrapped in a manger- and I needed that today.

Today in class we had an "ethics" session. Right off the bat in my class of 100 people the professor took an anonymous poll "Abortion is wrong regardless of the circumstances. Agree or Disagree". I was one of 8% that disagreed. Part of me wants to know am I the only one...if there were 100 of us in the class there are at least 7 other people who are with me...who are they and how can we find each other?

So why is it so appropriate that today was epiphany? Because today we celebrate Christ coming to ALL of us. coming to every single person and all of humanity...including those that reject Him and mock Him. I sat there in class with my rosary in my hand praying...Hail Mary's crossing my lips. Watching as the percentage agreeing with abortions in different scenarios changed. It's okay to abort a child because of risk to the mothers' life but not because of mental retardation, etc. Of course there is no "right" answer according to the teacher. But in my heart, as always, there is a right answer. That answer is life is sacred from conception to natural death. That answer means my life is going to be very difficult for the next 20 years.

My professor laid out the responsibilities of a physician regarding "termination of pregnancy":
- Entitled to hold strong personal views either for or against
- Patients are entitled to have all available information about legal treatment and management options
- Practitioners are required to provide the information (informed consent)
- Practitioners should neither block access nor attempt to coerce patients into a choice of more personal preference for the practitioner
- Practitioners are NOT required to participate in the actual pregnancy termination

this doesn't sound as scary as it feels. I don't want to give a woman a referral for having an abortion and I don't want to feel like a bad person if I choose not to...or a bad doctor. I know that I will be criticized for my views because they are so radically different, but they're the truth and any woman who has carried a child in her womb will tell you that. I also know that Christ was ridiculed. He was crowned with thorns, mocked, beaten, and betrayed. What are my sufferings as compared to His?

Christ has brought me here and He will sustain me. I need only to rely on Him and the Holy Spirit to guide me in my interactions and decisions regarding my medical career. That was my epiphany today...that this world is sad and lost and confused. That this world and all those in it desperately need Christ. That we need to approach the manger with the wise men and look in awe and wonder at the beautiful gift of God to all of mankind...a BABY!! It's appropriate that today is epiphany because as I talk about "pregnancy termination" I celebrate in the profundity of my heart, the birth of a baby...the Christ child! Let us continue to pray that our world will return to a culture of life that embraces all life regardless of the hardships or difficulties that it brings!

I'm an Auntie!!

Wonderful news!! Last Sunday, August 23rd (the feast of St. Rose of Lima) my niece Anna Claire Perone was born! The other wonderful news is that I'm going to be her Godmother!!



God is SO GOOD!!

On a side note...I was at mass at St. Patrick's this AM (my parish) with my friend Gretchen. She comes out of church after I had already left and says to me "did you know there was a relic of St. Gianna in the church?" She figured out by the shocked look on my face and the tears streaming down my cheeks that I did not know that. We went in and sure enough there is. PLUS, the Molla family gave one of St. Gianna's handkerchiefs to the church as a gift in 2004 since they were one of the first churches to display the image of St. Gianna.

So she's still guiding me...PRAISE GOD!!

New Beginnings

So this will be pretty short since I really need to be studying right now.

I'M IN MEDICAL SCHOOL!!!!Still a little surreal to believe that I'm really here and really doing this. We (my parents and I) left Baton Rouge at the end of July and drove to Columbus. ON the way up we stopped in Indianapolis to see my cousins, and aunt and uncle. My cousin brought her sons who happen to be my Godsons. They are BEAUTIFUL. We went to a fair and had a great time. They are wonderful and lovely children and my cousin and her husband are wonderful parents. Also on the God child front, my brother and his wife are expecting their first child any day now(please keep them in your prayers) and they've asked me to be her Godmother. I'm privileged and excited about this. The only disadvantage is that my final anatomy exam is scheduled for the day after the baptism but I know God will provide.



So back to medical school...orientation was the week of August 10th and included my white coat ceremony. For those of you who don't know medical students have short white coats while doctors have long white coats. Getting the white coat is a big rite of passage that signifies your entrance into the medical community. It's very exciting and very awe inspiring.



Classes themselves started this week. I'm taking anatomy, embryology, and CAPS (Clinical Aspects of Physician Sciences- or something like that). CAPS is basically how to take physical exams, do History of Present Illness, intubate, etc. The other exciting news is that 25 people were chosen randomly to do a clinical correlates of surgery during anatomy and I was one of them (out of 150 or so people). So far I'm really enjoying that part and it's not graded. Basically each week a different surgery specialty comes in and shows us how to do common operations on cadavers. This week was a general introduction where we learned how to tie surgical knots and throw stitches. Next week is orthopedics and we're doing a hip replacement. It's nice to be so hands on.

It's hard to believe I finished my first week of school yesterday- it already feels like I've been here forever. I'm quite overwhelmed and nervous about my ability to do this but I keep telling myself that God Himself has brought me here and is going to guide me. I really think getting that surgical correlates class (which I prayed so hard to get) is yet another sign of His divine providence. That being said I already feel behind in my classes and frequently wonder how in the world I'm going to keep up.

I also cringe b/c my faith life is suffering. I'm not making it to daily mass b/c I'm in class from 7:30 to 12:30 and the only night mass is EXTREMELY unorthodox. Lord have mercy on me!! The good news is that my friends in Charlottesville, VA have set me up with one of the local Dominican priests at my parish here. Fr. Tom used to be in Cville back in the day. He came over and blessed my apartment on Thursday and is so lovely and easy to talk to. He really made me feel welcome here and I've asked him to be my spiritual director. GOD IS SO GOOD!! These are things I've been praying about. I've also decided to help with the special needs CCD class that they've started at St. Pa tricks. It's only 2 hours on the weekends and I think it will be good for me. Plus, I've found perpetual adoration here in town- now I just need to go.

So in short...the Lord is providing for me here. This should come as no surprise but it is still somewhat of one for me. Because of my wretched sinfulness I am so fearful and anxious. Please pray for me- that God may heal me of my anxiety. Right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water. It's only the first week of school and I already feel behind and stupid most of the time. I knew there would be people smarter than me here but it is still hard to not feel discouraged. I was also thinking today about how I really can't complain. I'm living the dream- or at least what I've always dreamed about and I know there are MANY people who would love to be in medical school (especially here). So I really can't complain about all the hard work or not having a life...this is the path I chose- more correctly the path God has placed in my heart. I need to enjoy it and I am. I'm enjoying learning all these new things (I just wish it was at a slower pace!!).

Well that's about all I have time for at the moment. Please keep checking back and I will update the blog as best as I can. I will not get to see most of you for a while since my exam schedule is pretty overwhelming (my first anatomy exam is the Friday after the missioners labor day retreat). I miss you all and am praying for you.

Pictures from my birthday and other important events!

Here are some pictures from Steven and Mauree's Wedding, my birthday, and John Paul's Second Birthday Party! ENJOY!!

Memories from Honduras

Found this old email from Honduras...it brought back memories and I thought I'd share!


Dear friends and family:
Praise and blessings in our Lord and Savior Jesús Christ! Sorry that it has been so long since I´ve written. I´ve been back in Honduras now for a little over a month. Had a slight snag in returning from Guatemala. It was hard to leave Guatemala especially since we left right after the terrible flooding and destruction of what is still a beautiful country. After leaving Guatemala we got stuck in Copan (right inside the Honduras boarder) for a day because of a campesinos strike. It feels like just yesterday that I arrived, and yet like I´ve lived here my whole life. So much has happened, every day something new happens. I´m in charge of sponsorship (meaning I spend a lot of time translating and typing information in the computer). I´m also running our middle school girls group Las Rosas de maria with Alyson (another volunteer). We´re also doing a Christmas pageant, I´m teaching music and dance classes. All in all it´s a wonderful experience. Doing home visits, evangelization, harder things than I would have thought.
The community here is beautiful. We are 7 women (4 Americans and 3 Hondurans) and three men. It’s odd and a bit humorous but it´s incredible how each person adds something to our house. My Spanish is much better and I can actually communicate now which is quite exciting.
As for me, well, God has been revealing many things to me in my heart lately. It´s hard to explain our life here…at times it is normal missionary life and yet there is no normal. It´s a daily struggle to be the empty vessel that God uses. How do you explain God´s love and will to a woman with three special needs children, who now might have cancer? And yet there is no need. It is she who continues to have faith- and we who struggle with the reality.
We´re do-ers and yet most of the time there´s nothing we can do. With so few resources we can´t help everyone but everyone needs help. The little girl with appendicitis needs food and bandages changed, there´s Claudia at our door with two black eyes. Daisy and her family need to get away from her abusive husband. But we have no place to put them, no resources, no safety to offer. When every day there´s a new emergency, another mother with a feverish baby standing at our front gate. It´s so easy to feel helpless.
We had a fiesta for all saints day, a rare evening of music, ice cream, and jump-roping (don´t ask). A night of lighthearted cheer that sends us soaring into the clouds only to be abruptly brought down to earth by desperate little voices and the clanging of the lock against our metal gate ¨CAROL!!¨ Little girls out past what should be their bedtime on streets not safe enough for us to walk at night. Their father is drunk. We call a relative who comes to get them. How can I be the same person after this?
I realize now again how lucky I am. I´m here “living in poverty” and yet still existing in my oasis of comfort and safety here in our house. There´s no angry drunk man coming home – the gates keep them out (usually). We know that tomorrow we will eat and that we will have a bed to sleep in the next night. Who am I to presume that I can help these people? I who have absolutely no understanding of their lives. I realize now that all I can do is pray and love- and I am mightily inadequate at that at times.
I have no concept of what it means to live like these people. Sick with strep the other day I was dropped off at San Benito (the clinic in our neighborhood) to see a doctor. I realize now that I selfishly expected to go right in (as we usually do). I was greatly surprised and distraught (much to my shame) when I realized Erika and I were going to wait in line. I spent some time wallowing in my own self pity about how sick and tired I was. Praise God it didn´t take me long to realize what a jerk I was. Who am I to presume I´m more important than the people in line with me? My job is to serve them not to think myself above the line. By the time I got my number my attitude had changed. We began talking with the other people (mostly mothers with young children) all charming and just as sick and miserable as I was. I on the other hand would be driven back to my nice warm bed 7 blocks away while they would walk home (sometimes for hours) and go back to work because they have no other option. How humbling to realize just how prideful I still am.
I came to Honduras thinking myself humble (I know what a joke). I now realize that I was still holding myself above others because I was going off to “save the world”. How wrong I was. God has been revealing to me that I am in fact nothing special other than what He does through me. Most of the time I feel hugely inadequate to do much of anything. Praise God!! I have prayed for humility and God is granting it to me. To live in a community of talented, holy, loving people is in fact one of the greatest challenges I´ve known as I am challenged daily to be more holy myself. To love more completely and freely in every circumstance and activity. Whether cleaning toilets, driving someone to town, or leading a girls group.
Behind the beauty of the mountains and the simplicity of life here how there is a fight going on for this country. The struggle between good and evil is at full force and I pray we can win. Some days I´m certain the battle has already been lost- and then I look at the youth we work with. Yes we feel helpless here but if we give up we´re taking away the opportunity they have to fight and to know someone is fighting with them. They are striving and fighting so hard to win- if we help just one our job is worth it- just one. But how do you let the other 99 go? I look at people like Erika who is a beautiful Honduran member of our community. At only 18 she has already fought the fight against her family, who are not Catholic, and who don´t approve of her work here. I can´t imagine fighting that battle.
And how do I- as someone who has only known love and boundless resources- offer anything to these people so beautiful and broken and yet closer to God than I could ever imagine. How beautiful they are- we who feel hopeless and they who continue to have faith- in us!
I realize now also how important our life of prayer is. It is so easy to get bogged down with all the things to be done- the people at the door, the programs to plan, and countless other activities- and yet it is prayer, mass, and time in front of the blessed sacrament that gives us hope.
“Ï have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble but take heart I have overcome the world.¨- 1 John
It is in admitting our weakness and inadequacy that we realize that we do nothing. We are not strong enough to help all these people- but Christ is and it is Him who works through us- if we let him.
As for me and my vocation, I am continuing to search for His holy and perfect will, and God willing will be going to visit the Franciscan Sisters of the Renewal in New York in the spring. Please pray for me as I do for all of you. These days I struggle to live the words of St. Paul of the Cross, ¨neither to suffer, nor to die, but only to turn perfectly to the will of God.¨ Yes life here is a challenge. Humbling and frustrating and rough- but beautiful and vale la pena (worthwhile) at the same time. What a challenge to daily try to die to yourself. I still walk back from mass at the friars every morning with the mountains greeting me and thank God that I am here- I am at home and I am at peace.

Death is Quiet

I'll never forget the first person I watched die. It was a 14 year old girl in PICU. I watched from outside the room as the doctors and nurses did CPR and then called it. I remember thinking even then how surreal it all seemed. There was no thunder, no noise or great sign that this body that once contained a soul did so no longer. It seemed like the earth should have stopped that it should have been a bigger deal...One moment this girl was alive and now she wasn't.

Well I thought that again this past week. One night around 11pm we got the call- "TRAUMA ALERT EMERGENCY ROOM...TRAUMA ALERT EMERGENCY ROOM". Turns out a guy had been shot multiple times- he came in on life flight and the Trauma docs' started to work on him right away. These are the moments we live for as physicians (and future physicians) something exciting and thrilling...something different from the normal diabetes, high blood pressure, and back pain.

I got in the room after they had already cracked this guys chest open. I stood there eagerly watching them suction the blood out of his chest cavity, relishing watching the lungs inflate and deflate. They pulled the heart out and found that the bullet had completely destroyed his Right atrium- beyond repair. The guy had been without a pulse for quite a while and there in the middle of all the chaos the surgeon called time of death. We were all still looking at the guy's heart, marveling at the cracked chest. There was something thrilling and exciting...it was like a present that we were all so excited to see. It wasn't like on ER where all of a sudden all things quiet down, there was still a flurry of activity and nothign really changed except that a few minutes before this guy was "alive" and now he was "dead".

I don't mean to say this patient and his family weren't treated with dignity...they were. But for quite a while it was easy to forget that he was someones son, brother, friend...and to just focus on how exciting it was to see inside his chest cavity. That's when it hit me...I had forgotten to pray for his soul. In the middle of all of this I wasn't praying for him or concerning myself with his family- and even afterwards I went back to work like nothing had happened- I concerned myself with getting closer so I could see the hole in his heart. That's what makes me so sad...this wasn't something that impacted me except I thought it was neat I got to see his chest.

Shouldn't I have cared that this man died? shouldn't I have prayed for him (which I did later)? shouldn't the earth have made some sign that where there once was life there was no more? It just scares me that death leaves no trace...it just happens quietly with no fanfare. It scares me that I forgot about him as a living person and only saw him as something neat I got to see on a Saturday night.

I continue to see the affirmation of my career in medicine (I mean how many people who don't go into medicine think a cracked chest is the neatest thing in the world)...I just pray I can continue to see patients as people- as Christ in distressing disguise and not as objects. But to some extent I think we have to distance ourselves from the patients- from their humanity. We have to preserve ourselves.

Lord, give me the grace to balance my academic interest in medicine and my recognition of you in every patient I encounter!!

CUTE PICTURES

John Paul giving me kisses!!

My God-daughter Gianna!!

Delight in the Lord

So I have been struggling a lot lately ( big surprise). 2 more of my friends are getting married this year, and almost all of my friends are in serious relationships. I know I've talked about this before. This (as joyful as it is for me) is still a struggle...I rejoice in their vocations and weep at the changes that all this will bring for my friendships.

Compound this with work and I have found myself becoming more "of the world". Found myself being more lax in my standards, and more materialistic. When I'm honest with myself...it's easier to be "just like everyone else"...to desire intimacy and love and when I'm not careful I still find myself looking for it in the wrong places. By the grace of God I'm too much HIS to seek love the way I used to...but still not enough HIS to not have that yearning.

SO...this is where prayer comes in. I was reading my Bible the other night and I came across this passage from Psalm 37

"Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong;
for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.
Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this."
-Psalm 37: 1-5

God really spoke to my heart with this...especially the part about DELIGHT YOURSELF IN THE LORD AND HE WILL GIVE YOU THE DESIRES OF YOUR HEART!!

The more I read on this and feasted on it's beauty the more I realized that God is my delight. He is all that will fill me and like ST. Theresa said "God alone is enough". The more I delight in HIM and HIS will the more MY heart will be transformed to match with His will. It's not about God giving me whatever I want but more about how when I spend time with Him and delight in His will MY heart is transformed...and changed. God will gladly give me the desires of my heart when my hearts desires match HIS desires.

Really this is a win/win situation. The more I love God the more I am conformed to His will and the more joy I get out of every moment. So as I prayed on this, God reassured me...that if I continue to fix my eyes on HIM and continue to trust in Him and delight myself in HIS love then he will satisfy the desires of my heart for love and intimacy. I need to be patient and trusting and loving. I need to stop looking at the world in it's ease and stop being envious of all those co workers with boyfriends...and just enjoy the love of my God and savior and TRUST IN HIM!!

So today...(and every day) I vow to delight myself in the Lord...to trust in His will and conform myself to His plans because I know that is where real joy comes from.

I pray you my friends may also Delight yourselves in the Lord.

Long Time Coming

Well it's hard to believe that it's been so many months since I've written...life has continued to pass me by in a blur of work and business. God has been SO good as to get me into 6 medical schools. I have decided to start next year at The Ohio State University (Go BUCKEYES!!). My father (as an alum of the medical school) is THRILLED beyond belief!! I too am extremely excited. As much as doubt does creep in, God has made it SO abundantly clear that this is His will for me.


That being said, now that a decision has been made...the devil starts in. I have been second guessing my decision constantly. I have finally made friends here in Louisiana, my parents are here, my Goddaughter is here...it just seems SO hard to leave. Yet I know I must. Along with doubt has come a flurry of other fears. What about going to daily mass there? what if I can't? How will I survive without receiving Jesus every day? How will I ever find a church I like as much as the one I had last year in Virginia?



Then Jesus reminds me that He has provided for me thus far...I need to continue to trust in HIM!! and HIM ALONE!



All of this is compounded by another great sadness in my heart. I'm turning 26 this June, and I have 9 weddings this year. All of my friends have serious boyfriends or are getting married. There is still this twinge of sadness as I realize the changes that are occurring and that in many ways I am being left behind as they move on to lives that I cannot identify with. I (as a perpetually single person) cannot commiserate over relationship issues, or discuss diapering methods or pregnancy. I can help with wedding plans but there is still some great cavernous space between single life and non-single life. The worst part is that I am on one side..and my friends are on the other. I know this is just part of life and I accept it...that does not make it less hard. I KNOW I am not ready for marriage right now, and that great things will happen in medical school BUT that being said it's hard to be moving in such different directions with the people that used to be so close. I seem to be in a perpetual transition!

Don't' get me wrong...they are still my friends...it's just all different now. And truth be told...I'm about to leave them behind as well. I'm about to travel into the world of medicine...and that cavern between me and my friends just got bigger. I don't want to lose my friends...and as always I don't want to be perpetually alone. But I know I MUST follow Jesus wherever He leads me. and right now He is leading me to Ohio and if He wills it He will lead me to a career in Medicine and I must entrust all of my relationships to Him because He will never leave me behind.



Sorry if none of this made sense...I tend to ramble.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Well it's hard to believe that it's Christmas already. I must confess this year more than ever I feel completely unprepared. Advent has flown by in a flurry of working and preparing for Alyson and Jesse's wedding. Monday at the hospital where I work we had Christmas mass (yes weird I know) and I had this horrible sense of fear. I kept saying in my head..."NO...YOU CAN'T CELEBRATE CHRISMAS MASS YET...I'M NOT READY!!! " This got me thinking...I'm not ready. Are any of us really ready? What do I need to do to get ready? How do I know if I'm ready??

I'm overwhelmed by this world so often. I sit here in my office listening to my coworkers and their anger and pain overwhelms me. Last night at work we lost a baby. A 2 year old girl was hit by a car and she died in our ER. I told my coworkers about it today and proceeded to tell them about Steven Curtis Chapmans family. One of my coworkers proceeded to tell me that she would die if one of her children died. I know I don't have children yet and I can't understand that kind of love...but I pray that God would give me hope and joy even in the midst of that kind of suffering. During this Christmas season I think of Mary, I think of her hardships and and that she endured to bring to life the son of God. She suffered...and she suffered greatly. Yet she never complained and never spoke against the Lord. I don't really know where I'm going with this except that recently I've been given the grace to understand and see my nothingness even more. The Lord is God...He created all things and who are we to question His will or His plan. Sometimes things suck...but like the Blessed Mother our souls should magnify the Lord. What greater witness of love is there than to Love the Lord and serve Him even in the midst of things that in the worlds eyes would crush you.

Isnt' that why Christ came? to give us HOPE!!! So I guess that's what I'm praying for this Christmas season...that all those without Hope or joy may find it in the birth of God made Man. If we believe that Jesus is God then His birth should fill us with wonder...God chose to come to us...God CARES FOR US!!! HE WILL NOT LET ANYTHING HARM US...HE WILL WITHHOLD NOTHING GOOD FROM US...NOT EVEN HIS OWN SON!! THEREFORE...LET NOTHING DISTURB YOU AND NOTHING DISTRESS YOU!!

I still don't know if I'm ready for Christmas but I pray that the Lord may have mercy on me and see the desire of my heart to love Him and know Him more closely and intimately!

So I pray for all of you this Christmas season...HOPE and JOY in abundance and in all circumstances!! That God's love may inundate your hearts and fill you with all grace and Joy!! Practice the art of being in God's presence....then when He comes may He find us ready and waiting in HOPEFUL anticipation!!